Friendship in the Land of Adults...

Normally when I blog, I try to catch up on what has happened since I last wrote - it's a bit too much (literally and emotionally) to rehash and in which to delve. So, I'll start with a whole new topic which is near and dear to my heart... friendship.

I feel as though in adulthood I have different compartments of friends. I have my neighborhood friends, my bunko friends, my PTA friends, my friends by associate (through my son or husband), pool friends, my high school (and some elementary school) friends - and sometimes they even overlap and mingle. It's always a bit strange when I see someone who is a mutual friend on facebook when I had no idea the two would have any connection. Some of these I consider friends, some I consider great friends, and I can't peg into words the distinction - It's a feeling that I have when I'm with them or talking to them but more importantly how I feel when I'm reflecting on the time we shared. I'm a mom, so obviously I don't have the time to sit and ponder after each interaction I have and think 'are they a great friend??' - I wish I had that kind of time or energy in excess but I guess my point is that this reflection is generally involuntary. I either leave time spent feeling better having spent time with certain people or frustrated that I always feel a little pulled down after a visit. At this point in my life, I have tend to filter through the people that don't make me feel 'better' (laughing, listening, being listened to). There are obviously people in my life that I have no choice but to interact with (might make me cringe beforehand) but that wouldn't fall under this topic of discussion b/c I certainly don't consider them my friends.

At this point in my life, that it was more the people who 'make the cut' - not acquaintances and not the people who have just been in our lives for a long time but those who make us feel needed or cared for in return or make us feel like we aren't alone in our feelings of excitement or our most devastated. I'd like to think it was easier when I was in school to make friends but that was probably the most difficult of all - the friends that I have clung to from school are really friends I've had since elementary school, not really the ones I made in high school (although there are some of those around too :). In school I wasn't fully myself - they got to know a me that I put out there; that I wanted them to think was me. Now I see the difficulty of it - genuine friendship - open wounds, gratitude, pride, warts and all... it's not common and the word is thrown around often.. There has to be a certain vulnerability to building a friendship and even that 'uh-oh' moment when you wonder... 'did I say too much' - which I have a lot!! In my opinion friendship is having those moments but knowing in your heart that your friend is giving you the benefit of the doubt and knows you would never intentionally hurt or offend them.

Here's to all of the people who are good friends out there... may we continue to reveal our warts and celebrate each bump!

The Help

I just finished NYT #1 Bestseller, "the Help" by Kathryn Stockett for a book club - I don't think I would have ever thought twice about it other wise as I don't follow the bestsellers, just recommendations. This book was so thought provoking and as real as fiction gets... I finished it three days ago and am still craving more! The basic premise follows three different narrative points of view. All three are female and the time is early 1960's in Jackson, Mississippi. Two maids (one older by twenty years than the other) and one early twenties plantation owner's daughter straight out of college. I can very much relate to one of the characters because of her struggle to fit in herself while trying to point out the social injustices for others - while ostracizing herself more. Segregation and class separation were a huge main character of this story - the class separation more of an underlying theme. It's amazing to me how frustrated I was getting as I read more and more b/c I don't know how many people will stop and realize just how recent all of that was - how fresh. I wanted to shake one of the characters (Hilly) b/c of how much she needed to drag others down - and it wasn't just the ones who were 'colored' (as she pointed out often) but also the ones who she deemed beneath her, by class, family, or color. It wasn't enough for her to dislike certain people in town (and in the state for that matter), it was her civic duty to spread her opinion as gospel like a wildfire in July! This story takes place in my mother's early teens - that is where it hits home for me... and my mom is pretty young (hasn't even hit her sixties yet). As I said, it was fiction but anyone who reads it sees the factual events intermingled throughout to keep it brilliantly real.

I guess when I think about what makes me unnerved by the whole thing (story and theme) is the fact that although the law isn't technically behind this kind of thought process any longer, there is still so much negativity based on class and color. It used to confuse me and I couldn't relate to these thoughts in any way - mainly b/c we were constantly around people of different races and classes growing up because of my mothers various friendships, coworkers, and volunteer opportunities. Now, although I still can't agree with the opinions, I do see in people the ingrained beliefs with which they were raised - they truly believe these things in their bones (just as much as I disagree). In 'The Help,' there were lots of women and men who were simply a product of their time and grooming. In college I took an African American Literature class my junior year. Within the first two days of class, I sat and stewed over things my professor was saying about race and race relations because I thought she was generalizing and lumping me into a category within which I did not belong. It was only after I decided to sit and truly listen to the discussions without judgement (that and it was too late to get into another class to satisfy my lit requirement!) - I began to love this class, not just tolerate it. To this day, I don't think anything has made me think so much about the freshness, cruelty, and brutality of the happenings in the south in the 20th century. It's not just before the civil rights movement unfortunately. The civil rights movement did wonders for making the actual laws change but a lot of thoughts are still the same. The book led me to look up Jim Crowe laws on my own and see what they were really about - meaning the laws that were devised to keep underground laws going without going through the actual lawmaking process. Some of these laws had people beaten and sometimes killed for using the wrong bathroom or water fountain (really) or have someone arrested or brutalized for talking to someone in public who was not the same color as you - talking! I'm not trying to preach my opinion (although it seems like it) - I'm just hoping to get people thinking a little bit - I consider myself to be open to discussions (not barking your opinion at me only) but this book and the time lines got me putting some things together. At the end of the day, it's not about opinions - it's about civil liberties. What people are 'allowed' to do and say - whether or not you agree with someone, who they are, are married to, or where they live - do they deserve any less civil liberties as any other American? It's these same people who wave their American flags or wear their American flag lapel pin who are sometimes the most specific on what makes an 'American'...

Hmmmm - this started out as my take on a book - I should've known better... at least I held back a lot of what I wanted to say about the topic... baby steps! Go read 'The Help'- the 444 pages seem a little daunting at first, but as a slow reader, I can say how quickly you'll go through it...

Dreaming in Color

Wow - I have never taken any dreams seriously - sometimes look for hidden messages, as I was raised in an ultra superstitious family - but that's about it. This morning was different - I felt this dream and was living amongst it - I put myself behind the eyes of this dreamviewer and it was really inspiring. I once saw an interview with Twilight author, Stephenie Meyer and she said that the start of the saga came to her in a dream - the meadow scene from the first book - and when she woke up, went to her computer and wrote it. The story developed from there. She had never written before and just went for it... obviously it paid off for her. Knowing that, when I woke up thinking so intently about this vision for a story (a novel) - I avoided conversation once I got out of bed, cleared my head a little to see what was foggy and what was still in my brain and went straight for my laptop - I typed feverishly as ideas flowed and more plot twists emerged. I focused on the most vivid part of my dream and just branched off from there - loving every second. Characters started to come out on the keys and the dynamic characters - I can tell already - will be hovering over my thoughts until they are developed on the page. I think the thing I like the most about this story is that there is a very strong female presence throughout the story - it wasn't even intentional, but as I went back to read over what I had written and the outline for the basic storyline, it was what transpired naturally. It just makes me happy to get into the writing spirit once and for all - ideas have been coming over me for the past couple of months - three different ones that are very strong still, but that hadn't flowed, they will - but this one I think will have to take the front seat for right now. Whatever the story, I'm just happy to have my creative flow here for the first time in a long time and finally feel like I am putting a little of my college education (and student loans) to good use. Stay tuned... :)

What a difference a year makes...

I just opened up my blog for the first time in almost a year - I can't believe it, but it's true... January 2010! So much has happened and reading what I said at that point in time from that perspective is absolutely continuing bigger and better today - for so many different reasons. First and foremost, I have taken the healthy living to the next level. I went from trying to eat a little healthier to, on mother's day, joining weight watchers. That was life changing for me. It's been 8 months and I have not only developed friendships with my Sunday morning meeting crew, but a group of people who offer encouragement, support for the stumbles, and understanding of the issue that has nothing to do with small cravings here and there. I have also tried to kick up the walking to more of a run/walk and completed my first 5K (walking some also) but I did it with my husband - who has been super supportive of my WW ventures as well. Since November of '08 I've lost about 52 lbs and I feel such a difference. My options are more open and for the first time in a long time I actually enjoy shopping and can feel more comfortable in my own skin - if that makes sense.

The last time I wrote in my blog I wrote about too many people dying young around me due to unhealthy lifestyles and life choices and in June of 2009, another one bit the dust. This time, much closer to home than I could have imagined. My father. I have known for quite some time that he wasn't taking care of himself - breathing and heart problems for years now but nothing really changed behind the problems. The eating stayed the same however now he was stagnant so virtually no physical activity at all. The smoking continued - in fact apparently he was smoking on the porch when the rescue squad came for him following his call - which would be his last as he lost consciousness on the way to the hospital and it was never regained after a week in the hospital on machines. It was surreal looking through pictures that were sent to us by his sister from when he was younger - looking through pictures when he was married to my mother and then to my stepmother (who was coincidentally one of the ones I was speaking of in my March '09 blog regarding dying young). He was so healthy, active, vibrant - and life snowballs sometimes. There is a picture of him holding me when I was about 1 year old - I had never seen this picture nor have I ever seen a picture of myself with my father when I was a baby and I couldn't help but get frustrated that I couldn't ask him anything about any of that - that time in my life, his life. I'm getting ready to turn 34 in a couple of weeks and all I can think of is how I'm trying to change my lifestyle and focus so that I can set a good example for my son and be here for him as he gets older - I try to remind him every chance I get that I am doing WW b/c I want to be healthy... I don't want him to think I'm dieting or depriving - this is a very conscious decision to change my life and this past year has been a great start.

Mind, Body, and Spirit

In an attempt to rid myself of stress and toxins, I'm trying something different and novel... walking! I've been doing it for 30-some-odd years but I'm taking it to the next level. After a friend was a lay off casualty, she poked me to go for a walk with her one day and we have been hooked and adventurous ever since. It started with a 2 mile walk up and back our main road and quickly branched off to incorporating errands and side neighborhoods and once led us to a 7.4 mile excursion as we tried new roads and twists. It started in cold and blistering weather but has since progressed into cold but sunny Spring. It hasn't been long, but when we can't go for our morning walks, we feel it - in our minds, bodies, and spirits. We talk, pant, moan, and most importantly, laugh the majority of the time - it has been super cathartic. One morning she couldn't walk with me and so I self motivated and popped my 'energy' playlist through my earbuds and was off. I later confessed to her that it wasn't relaxing because I had too much time to think - not really the most effective tool toward releasing the stresses of life.
This whole movement was brought on by my desire to live a healthier life. Too many people around me have died way too young in the past few years and I think it's important to stop and take inventory of your own life sometimes. Don't just live but live a life worth living. I want to be a better mom - wife - friend - self. For a while I thought that meant doing every thing that any one asked me to do... that didn't do it. Then I moved on to saying no when I didn't feel like something was necessary to do... that didn't work either. I've come to the conclusion that if I'm looking for fulfillment through external acknowledgement, it won't happen. I don't want to look back from the late end of 60 or the early end of 70 and realize that I spent a lot of time making excuses and complaining about how others treated me - I also don't want to spread that negativity to everyone around me - anyone who will listen. I don't know which is more contagious and infectious - the flu or negativity... Walking has given me a new focus on health - physically and mentally - and I'm so invigorated to take it to the next level. I'm doing my first 10k (even though I'm power walking it - it's still counts :) this Saturday - I know it wouldn't seem like much to the avid runner, but it's a big deal to this agoraphobic who psychs herself out toward complacency. I also signed up for a few others as well - I think I'm just as excited about the atmosphere as I am the races themselves!
The walking is for the body; the conquering of the crowd and a new experience, the mind; and the fact that I'll be stepping outside myself and focusing on the Massey Cancer center, the spirit.
Next stop... jogging :)

History

I am filled with all sorts of emotions today. For one, it's a historical day and a changing one. Some think the change is a negative and some see it as a revelation. I see this change as positive for no other reason than the other way wasn't working (to put it bluntly). Meaning - resources, the economy, the environment, etc. It's interesting to me that so many want to condemn President Obama before he's even taken office but put the former president on a pedestal even though we've seen 8 years of his work. I'm not even someone who was an activist either way in this election - however, I am ready for some positives. Whether it be positives in the statements that I hear around me or actions by political leaders. Today was a day of mixed signals for me and I've got to say it has definitely gotten to me at the core. I tried to feel promise and hope for tomorrow as the day progressed but it's been sullied by forwarded emails of negativity and facebook posts with slanderous messages - what is really the point of spreading the negativity? I can absolutely concede that there are several differing viewpoints on the state of our country and the future of our country - but how about making some statements in the affirmative for a change or keeping your opinion between close friends if it's a negative. We have enough gray in our lives right now with people losing their jobs, unaffordable health care, and oh yeah - a war! Let's try to lift each other and not knock each other down - including our new president. I was moved by his address today and it definitely gave me a glimmer of hope. My first wish is that this war is ended and the soldiers who still have their lives are able to return to their families - I wish this above the security of my finances or the security of my husband's job is total honesty. It makes me sick to my stomach that my son (who turns 7 in April) has never seen a day where our country is at peace in his lifetime - the September 11th attacks happened 3 days after I found out I was pregnant.

Lastly, Freedom of Religion is a freedom that we have in this country. Some may not agree with the religious choices made by their neighbor - but why does that neighbor have to be persecuted for their beliefs? My husband, son, and I pray each and every day (multiple times a day most days) and thank God for watching after us that day. Our prayers are very personal, private and very heartfelt - we teach our son to be grateful for every fiber of what makes us strong (physically and mentally) and we take no blessing for granted. I hear people say that this country has turned it's back on God. I'm not a debater because I get extremely worked up when I feel strongly about something - this is one of those topics. I am an American and I believe in God. I couldn't (or wouldn't) begin to quote the bible or damn anyone who disagreed with my viewpoint. I believe that people who truly feel as though we are a Godless nation should stop spreading negativity and judgement and begin to embrace positivity if they want to influence someone.

Now I'm off of my soapbox and I feel a little better.

God Bless America and Barack Obama

Addiction

I have an addictive personality - whether it be good things like being addicted to 'laughing cow' cheese on triscuits or over cleaning or bad things like too many bite sized candy bars and krispy creme donuts! I have now spread this problem to reading. I have never been a fast reader and this trait has directly affected my enjoyment of books. I have always been envious of my husbands ability to read several books in a weeks time or how he would come home from the library with a stack of new books - I never got it. I do love words - can't deny that - but because of the formula lack of patience + short attention span + slow reading = no interest in reading. Simple algebra but luckily I've turned it around recently. I don't know exactly which book started the ball rolling, but I read "The Middle Place" (which I've raved about) back in the spring which led to the author (Kelly Corrigan) recommending two books to me which I read and enjoyed - had to really think a lot following those two books because of the inner struggles the protagonists felt. A few book club books followed in a short lived book club effort - I then read a few other southern kick-tail women books which were fun and recommended to me by my sister-in-law. This lead recently into some books that were a little more heavy and political like 'In the Time of Butterflies' and 'Before we were free.' I feel like those could have given a little more to the content but gave me a great boost in reading. Instead of turning on the DVR'd shows which I had missed, when I got free time I would start seeking out books. I read Chelsea Handler's, 'Are you there Vodka, It's me Chelsea' very funny and well articulated - this is where the danger began and my addictive personality kicked in. I started reading constantly and any chance I got. I've totally neglected my house, writing, research (which technically reading is research for me) - I'd rather sneak a few pages whenever the opportunity presents itself. When my husband and son leave in the morning, I go straight for my latest book! The tip on the acknowledging the problem iceberg was the last book I read (finished it yesterday) - Pat Conroy's 'Beach Music.' A friend bought this book for me several years ago and I never read it because the text of 800 pages really intimidated me. I started on election day (a topic for another day) and took it with me everywhere - to visit my mom in the hospital, doctor's appointments, piano lessons, everywhere! I was so engrossed in this book and the multitude of dynamic characters I poured myself into it. While I look around my straighted just enough house, I am afraid to start another book... I think I should at least give my life a solid effort before my next bought of neglect. I feel like I should join a 12 step program at this point but don't know of any readers anonymous or RA chapters around here. I welcome book discussion for anyone who's interested.