Dreaming in Color

Wow - I have never taken any dreams seriously - sometimes look for hidden messages, as I was raised in an ultra superstitious family - but that's about it. This morning was different - I felt this dream and was living amongst it - I put myself behind the eyes of this dreamviewer and it was really inspiring. I once saw an interview with Twilight author, Stephenie Meyer and she said that the start of the saga came to her in a dream - the meadow scene from the first book - and when she woke up, went to her computer and wrote it. The story developed from there. She had never written before and just went for it... obviously it paid off for her. Knowing that, when I woke up thinking so intently about this vision for a story (a novel) - I avoided conversation once I got out of bed, cleared my head a little to see what was foggy and what was still in my brain and went straight for my laptop - I typed feverishly as ideas flowed and more plot twists emerged. I focused on the most vivid part of my dream and just branched off from there - loving every second. Characters started to come out on the keys and the dynamic characters - I can tell already - will be hovering over my thoughts until they are developed on the page. I think the thing I like the most about this story is that there is a very strong female presence throughout the story - it wasn't even intentional, but as I went back to read over what I had written and the outline for the basic storyline, it was what transpired naturally. It just makes me happy to get into the writing spirit once and for all - ideas have been coming over me for the past couple of months - three different ones that are very strong still, but that hadn't flowed, they will - but this one I think will have to take the front seat for right now. Whatever the story, I'm just happy to have my creative flow here for the first time in a long time and finally feel like I am putting a little of my college education (and student loans) to good use. Stay tuned... :)

What a difference a year makes...

I just opened up my blog for the first time in almost a year - I can't believe it, but it's true... January 2010! So much has happened and reading what I said at that point in time from that perspective is absolutely continuing bigger and better today - for so many different reasons. First and foremost, I have taken the healthy living to the next level. I went from trying to eat a little healthier to, on mother's day, joining weight watchers. That was life changing for me. It's been 8 months and I have not only developed friendships with my Sunday morning meeting crew, but a group of people who offer encouragement, support for the stumbles, and understanding of the issue that has nothing to do with small cravings here and there. I have also tried to kick up the walking to more of a run/walk and completed my first 5K (walking some also) but I did it with my husband - who has been super supportive of my WW ventures as well. Since November of '08 I've lost about 52 lbs and I feel such a difference. My options are more open and for the first time in a long time I actually enjoy shopping and can feel more comfortable in my own skin - if that makes sense.

The last time I wrote in my blog I wrote about too many people dying young around me due to unhealthy lifestyles and life choices and in June of 2009, another one bit the dust. This time, much closer to home than I could have imagined. My father. I have known for quite some time that he wasn't taking care of himself - breathing and heart problems for years now but nothing really changed behind the problems. The eating stayed the same however now he was stagnant so virtually no physical activity at all. The smoking continued - in fact apparently he was smoking on the porch when the rescue squad came for him following his call - which would be his last as he lost consciousness on the way to the hospital and it was never regained after a week in the hospital on machines. It was surreal looking through pictures that were sent to us by his sister from when he was younger - looking through pictures when he was married to my mother and then to my stepmother (who was coincidentally one of the ones I was speaking of in my March '09 blog regarding dying young). He was so healthy, active, vibrant - and life snowballs sometimes. There is a picture of him holding me when I was about 1 year old - I had never seen this picture nor have I ever seen a picture of myself with my father when I was a baby and I couldn't help but get frustrated that I couldn't ask him anything about any of that - that time in my life, his life. I'm getting ready to turn 34 in a couple of weeks and all I can think of is how I'm trying to change my lifestyle and focus so that I can set a good example for my son and be here for him as he gets older - I try to remind him every chance I get that I am doing WW b/c I want to be healthy... I don't want him to think I'm dieting or depriving - this is a very conscious decision to change my life and this past year has been a great start.

Mind, Body, and Spirit

In an attempt to rid myself of stress and toxins, I'm trying something different and novel... walking! I've been doing it for 30-some-odd years but I'm taking it to the next level. After a friend was a lay off casualty, she poked me to go for a walk with her one day and we have been hooked and adventurous ever since. It started with a 2 mile walk up and back our main road and quickly branched off to incorporating errands and side neighborhoods and once led us to a 7.4 mile excursion as we tried new roads and twists. It started in cold and blistering weather but has since progressed into cold but sunny Spring. It hasn't been long, but when we can't go for our morning walks, we feel it - in our minds, bodies, and spirits. We talk, pant, moan, and most importantly, laugh the majority of the time - it has been super cathartic. One morning she couldn't walk with me and so I self motivated and popped my 'energy' playlist through my earbuds and was off. I later confessed to her that it wasn't relaxing because I had too much time to think - not really the most effective tool toward releasing the stresses of life.
This whole movement was brought on by my desire to live a healthier life. Too many people around me have died way too young in the past few years and I think it's important to stop and take inventory of your own life sometimes. Don't just live but live a life worth living. I want to be a better mom - wife - friend - self. For a while I thought that meant doing every thing that any one asked me to do... that didn't do it. Then I moved on to saying no when I didn't feel like something was necessary to do... that didn't work either. I've come to the conclusion that if I'm looking for fulfillment through external acknowledgement, it won't happen. I don't want to look back from the late end of 60 or the early end of 70 and realize that I spent a lot of time making excuses and complaining about how others treated me - I also don't want to spread that negativity to everyone around me - anyone who will listen. I don't know which is more contagious and infectious - the flu or negativity... Walking has given me a new focus on health - physically and mentally - and I'm so invigorated to take it to the next level. I'm doing my first 10k (even though I'm power walking it - it's still counts :) this Saturday - I know it wouldn't seem like much to the avid runner, but it's a big deal to this agoraphobic who psychs herself out toward complacency. I also signed up for a few others as well - I think I'm just as excited about the atmosphere as I am the races themselves!
The walking is for the body; the conquering of the crowd and a new experience, the mind; and the fact that I'll be stepping outside myself and focusing on the Massey Cancer center, the spirit.
Next stop... jogging :)

History

I am filled with all sorts of emotions today. For one, it's a historical day and a changing one. Some think the change is a negative and some see it as a revelation. I see this change as positive for no other reason than the other way wasn't working (to put it bluntly). Meaning - resources, the economy, the environment, etc. It's interesting to me that so many want to condemn President Obama before he's even taken office but put the former president on a pedestal even though we've seen 8 years of his work. I'm not even someone who was an activist either way in this election - however, I am ready for some positives. Whether it be positives in the statements that I hear around me or actions by political leaders. Today was a day of mixed signals for me and I've got to say it has definitely gotten to me at the core. I tried to feel promise and hope for tomorrow as the day progressed but it's been sullied by forwarded emails of negativity and facebook posts with slanderous messages - what is really the point of spreading the negativity? I can absolutely concede that there are several differing viewpoints on the state of our country and the future of our country - but how about making some statements in the affirmative for a change or keeping your opinion between close friends if it's a negative. We have enough gray in our lives right now with people losing their jobs, unaffordable health care, and oh yeah - a war! Let's try to lift each other and not knock each other down - including our new president. I was moved by his address today and it definitely gave me a glimmer of hope. My first wish is that this war is ended and the soldiers who still have their lives are able to return to their families - I wish this above the security of my finances or the security of my husband's job is total honesty. It makes me sick to my stomach that my son (who turns 7 in April) has never seen a day where our country is at peace in his lifetime - the September 11th attacks happened 3 days after I found out I was pregnant.

Lastly, Freedom of Religion is a freedom that we have in this country. Some may not agree with the religious choices made by their neighbor - but why does that neighbor have to be persecuted for their beliefs? My husband, son, and I pray each and every day (multiple times a day most days) and thank God for watching after us that day. Our prayers are very personal, private and very heartfelt - we teach our son to be grateful for every fiber of what makes us strong (physically and mentally) and we take no blessing for granted. I hear people say that this country has turned it's back on God. I'm not a debater because I get extremely worked up when I feel strongly about something - this is one of those topics. I am an American and I believe in God. I couldn't (or wouldn't) begin to quote the bible or damn anyone who disagreed with my viewpoint. I believe that people who truly feel as though we are a Godless nation should stop spreading negativity and judgement and begin to embrace positivity if they want to influence someone.

Now I'm off of my soapbox and I feel a little better.

God Bless America and Barack Obama

Addiction

I have an addictive personality - whether it be good things like being addicted to 'laughing cow' cheese on triscuits or over cleaning or bad things like too many bite sized candy bars and krispy creme donuts! I have now spread this problem to reading. I have never been a fast reader and this trait has directly affected my enjoyment of books. I have always been envious of my husbands ability to read several books in a weeks time or how he would come home from the library with a stack of new books - I never got it. I do love words - can't deny that - but because of the formula lack of patience + short attention span + slow reading = no interest in reading. Simple algebra but luckily I've turned it around recently. I don't know exactly which book started the ball rolling, but I read "The Middle Place" (which I've raved about) back in the spring which led to the author (Kelly Corrigan) recommending two books to me which I read and enjoyed - had to really think a lot following those two books because of the inner struggles the protagonists felt. A few book club books followed in a short lived book club effort - I then read a few other southern kick-tail women books which were fun and recommended to me by my sister-in-law. This lead recently into some books that were a little more heavy and political like 'In the Time of Butterflies' and 'Before we were free.' I feel like those could have given a little more to the content but gave me a great boost in reading. Instead of turning on the DVR'd shows which I had missed, when I got free time I would start seeking out books. I read Chelsea Handler's, 'Are you there Vodka, It's me Chelsea' very funny and well articulated - this is where the danger began and my addictive personality kicked in. I started reading constantly and any chance I got. I've totally neglected my house, writing, research (which technically reading is research for me) - I'd rather sneak a few pages whenever the opportunity presents itself. When my husband and son leave in the morning, I go straight for my latest book! The tip on the acknowledging the problem iceberg was the last book I read (finished it yesterday) - Pat Conroy's 'Beach Music.' A friend bought this book for me several years ago and I never read it because the text of 800 pages really intimidated me. I started on election day (a topic for another day) and took it with me everywhere - to visit my mom in the hospital, doctor's appointments, piano lessons, everywhere! I was so engrossed in this book and the multitude of dynamic characters I poured myself into it. While I look around my straighted just enough house, I am afraid to start another book... I think I should at least give my life a solid effort before my next bought of neglect. I feel like I should join a 12 step program at this point but don't know of any readers anonymous or RA chapters around here. I welcome book discussion for anyone who's interested.

Words

I absolutely love words... some more than others. In my English lit class from my second semester of college, we had to dissect a song to illustrate a certain literary theme. I had always memorized songs (like any child or teenager) but didn't know what anything really meant because I hadn't really ever thought about it. After that assignment, I've done it ever since. There are so many songs that really get you thinking and can also move you - not just love songs. This past week, Nikki Giovanni was signing her new children's book, "Hip Hop speaks to children" here in Richmond. I didn't know about it until it was too late to get tickets to her presentation, but luckily someone from the local children's book shop (who were a sponsor to the event) offered to have it signed for me. This book comes with a CD that is about 45 minutes of spoken word in the form of poems, stories, songs, and raps. I bought it for myself and my son but I think he's too young to really appreciate the art of listening to the words, not just the beat. I love a good beat and melody to a song also - don't get me wrong; the marriage between a good flow and powerful verse is unparalleled. The song, "Mr. Wendel" by Arrested Development is a really good one - it might take the first few times listening to really grasp the point... but it's worth the time.

Non-musically, I would say that anything Shakespearean is so far ahead of it's time it's amazing. My first time reading Shakespeare, it was so confusing, I couldn't even grasp the first page let alone the whole play. I think the first one I read was "Othello" - anyway, my professor recommended getting the book on tape and follow along - I tried and it really helped me listen and take in the story lines. The romantic twists and turns and the feuds and craziness and the conspiracies and jealousy - the remakes of his plays (modern movies) are all of the original wording, just modern settings. He was truly gifted.

I was able to listen to an author speak this week by the name of Julia Alvarez. I only caught the end of her speech because of a prior commitment, but she was so inspirational. A lot of her writings are semi-autobiographical regarding coming of age as an 'outsider' the USA but yearning to fit it while clinging to her own heritage. Her writing is pretty powerful and I am really excited to read further. The part that was moving to me, as a writer, was the crowd and winding line waiting for her to resurface in the lobby to sign books. There were hundreds of readers and fans waiting with their books open to the title page for 2 seconds in front of her. I guess it's hard to grasp as a reader how pivotal that is because the book signings depicted on television have ropes blocking the way for lines of fans and flashbulbs coming from eager photographers - in reality, you have to reach a best selling status (at the least) to be sought out in such a way. It's an honor to have people affected by your words that much - I look forward to touching someone through my words more and more with every release.

My advice would be to pick some songs (different eras and genres) and really listen to the words - several times even.

BUNKO!

To a lot of different groups, Bunko can have a wide range of definitions. It's a dice game with 12 rounds - you roll 3 die at the same time and see how many times you can roll the number corresponding with the round number (round 1 - you try to roll ones - and so on). When you roll all 3 die with the same number as the round (round 1 - 3 ones - and so on :) - it's Bunko! Some groups play for cash prizes; some groups don't really play, they just drink; some groups are couple groups; the possibilities are almost infinite. I belong to a Bunko group that is made up of 12 ladies (not all in my neighborhood) who enjoy getting out once a month to relax and step outside of themselves a little. For that few hours a month, we are not just someones mom or wife or chauffeur - we are women and friends. Sure, we talk about our families and activities, but really it's minimal. We mainly tell stories (I love the ones that some may deem inappropriate), share restaurant reviews, tv recaps, or just enjoy the cocktail du jour (we usually enjoy a specific drink with the different hostesses). The food is different in every house also - ahhh, the food! Most of us don't even eat dinner before so we can fill up on the goodies the hostess has prepared. It has become my only steady vice. I'm very fortunate to have a husband who comes home early so I can get ready in peace and leave with zero guilt for not fixing dinner first or overseeing the bedtime routine. Not all women can say that - I know I'm lucky that way.

The group is so dynamic - no two of us are completely alike. We have corporate women, mothers of one, mothers of four, nurses, teachers, therapists - it definitely makes for great conversations. I've been a part of this group for going on three years now and we've had some pretty fun moments - I think one of my favorites was during an ipod playlist at one house, "Thriller" came through the speakers. I broke into the dance from the video and people rolled - they couldn't believe I knew the dance - I couldn't believe they didn't! What child of the 80's (or person who was alive during the 80's) wouldn't know this dance! I love making them laugh, so it was a great moment.

I raise my cocktail glass for all of those Bunko gals out there - mainly my group (not sure who reads this) - if you don't have a group... start one with 11 friends!