And the award for worst mom goes to...

Okay - so I have always been that mushy gushy overly cutesy holiday loving gal who everyone wants to hide from... you guessed it - holiday clothing, jewelry, decorations (for most holidays throughout the year)... I'm a sucker for it!! For St. V Day - I've loved the heart shaped sandwiches, balloons, cupcakes, heart shaped rice krispie treats, ziploc bags that are pink and red, fun lover sayings on shirts for my son (kid friendly :)... you get the idea. Well a couple of years ago, I finally accepted the fact that I have a son who would rather poke out his own eye than wear that to school or do anything cutesy for Valentine's Day...my lovey dovey pipe dream would come to an end. It has slowly dwindled to a nice dinner out with both of my boys and that would be that - I've accepted it - I decorate around our house because a nice love-filled surrounding is a pick me up. This year especially would get kind of swept under the rug as it's a school night AND both my son and husband have basketball practice for the majority of the evening.

Here's where the worst mom award comes into play... I went to have lunch with my boy at his school as a Valentine's surprise. Not only was there nary a pink, purple, or red cloth or jewel adorning my person but I also didn't cut any one's sandwich into a heart or have heart shaped snack cakes for dessert! I'm trying to blend in to appease him and he turns to me and says, "Mom, are you going to have my Valentine's treat for me when I get home?" I looked at him, trying to hide my sheer panic and said, "Maybe," He smiled a huge gratified smile and said, "Yea! Maybe means YES!" I kind of smiled on the outside but on the inside was panic stricken - 'Crap - I have nothing for him for Valentine's Day!!' I have since left his school - stopped by a store and bought a couple of things to make the afternoon and evening a little better. My only plan was to go for a nice walk since it's a beautiful day here in good ole Richmond, VA...

My take away lesson in all of this is that I should go with my natural instinct - next year he's getting me coming to school with a homemade jewel encrusted crown... who knows, I do have a whole year to plan after all :)

Embracing the Gray...

I was raised in a very black and white household. Predominantly disciplined by the wife (my grandmother) and daughter (my mother) of a career US Army officer. Things didn't have to make sense to me - I just needed to comply. As a child, I thought this was extremely unfair and incomprehensible. I knew I would never make things as concrete and inflexible when I was a mom... hmmm (more on that momentarily).

As an adult (and mother) I realize it was out of necessity that my mother and grandmother kept things so tight and 'black and white.' As a single mother of three, this strict style of rule making and 'you don't have to understand' attitude toward parenting was all she knew and she did the best she could. It was out of necessity that we didn't see the vulnerable and open to negotiation side that she revealed only to her mother/confidant. It was out of necessity that to reveal her human side would be to make herself appear weak and less powerful. I get it now - I understand this line of thinking and I also can sympathize with the fact that parenting is way more difficult than I had ever imagined - if you care enough to try and do it right.

As I've mentioned in previous blogs, my son is my one and only. After some unsuccessful attempts and some 'almosts' - he may remain our one and only. That being said, there are some things that we have to teach him that other children learn organically with siblings. Things like sharing, losing, waiting, humility, compassion, empathy... I'm not under the illusion that everyone who has siblings is an automatic pro at any of the aforementioned lessons. I'm just saying it's a lot easier to remind your child to wait their turn b/c their sister needs you right now or they aren't always going to win b/c their brother is better at chess than him. I absolutely try my hardest to not be black and white but I know there are times where I can't let my son think he can argue and negotiate his way out of trouble. My point in this ramble is that all of the 'mistakes' I thought my mom was making were really trial and error - which most parenting is. As we got older, there was a little more gray (which my sisters argue was only there because I was the youngest and the most spoiled). As my relationship with my mom has grown into a friendship, I've been able to see more and more gray areas in her approach. The strictness and ways of thinking are generally the same, but she acknowledges when she has areas for improvement or an area that is far more gray than originally thought.

I do embrace the gray at this stage in the game. Not only as a mom, but as a wife and friend. I may not agree with differing opinions or like when my world is rattled - but I respect that it is life and it's what enriches relationships. The key to embracing the gray is listening with open ears, an open mind, and an open heart.

Road Bump

So... for as far back as I can remember, I've gotten light-headed super easily. When I was little, I just thought I was a fainter. When I was an early teen, I thought it was puberty kicking in. When I started cheering, I thought it was because I just wasn't in shape and didn't push myself enough. The out of shape feeling continued into my twenties and then when I was pregnant I assumed it was part of the package. Well, at the end of summer I had a pretty scary episode where I thought I fainted and it was just my son and I... not a happy summer memory. I went on with my everyday life after consulting my PCP and just took it as a light-headed moment. When all of this came to a head was mid-November. Long story short... I had a life changing moment which lead to test after test which lead to answers. I have a PFO (hole in the heart) which isn't at all uncommon - just uncommon for it to still be open in an adult. Me and Bret Michaels... two peas in a PFO pod! The passing out wasn't passing out - it turned out to be mini-strokes. I hope not to have another episode and try not to think about what could happen because I would truly drive myself absolutely insane!
The silver lining in all of this is that it makes me focus on what's important. Nice walks by our creek, listening to people - not just hearing, playing with Parker (the games I can actually understand :). I know it sounds hokey, but it's the truth.... I want to be here and completely present for my son and husband and not get caught up in the things that suck up energy... toxins as I call them. Toxins lurk around every corner - sometimes they have a pretty disguise and sometimes they put their intentions right out there. Either way, I'm focusing on a healthy life - certainly not perfect by any means but atleast healthy. More on the healthy changes soon - hopefully not several months later!

Back to School...

Every year about this time I have rejuvenated energy toward writing (uninterrupted) while my son is in school. I start with my list of ideas and searching through the newest trade secret book of what publishers are looking for what... this year I'm struggling! I have been extremely inspired by books I've read over the summer and writers I follow but I'm a little defeated at this point - I think I have the opposite of writer's block - I've got writer's flood! Sooner or later I will inevitably sit down at my computer and pound out some words - hopefully inspiring to someone along the way - and all will be right with the world - until then - I'll settle on a paragraph in my blog every once in a blue moon - ugghh!!

Words...

I know I've written about this before - if not in the blogging platform, for an essay for sure... the view from this podium is familiar. I get very passionate on the topic of (and power of) words and yesterday the spark was ignited within me when I spoke with a group of young students (middle and high school age) on the subject. This mini-workshop within a 6 week multicultural camp was creative writing - topic: All About Me - it was supposed to be presented to the group but I decided (in sizing up my 'audience' upon introduction) to make it more of a journal type entry where they didn't worry about grammar or context or sentence structure or (most importantly) revealing a side of themselves they didn't feel comfortable revealing. At first, the young men and women had little to no interest in the idea of writing - the empty enormity of the white paper in front of them was daunting and intimidating. Before writing on their own, I started with my chat on words and the power of writing - I asked for them to throw out any writers they knew - summer reading lists in full bloom! I began to compile my list on an overhead screen including Nicholas Sparks, Dr. Suess, Emily Bronte, JK Rowling, Mark Twain - I threw my own name on the list and atleast half didn't recognize the name even though I was presenting(ouch!). I then continued their list when they became silent - Michael Jackson, Kanye West, Eminem, Paul McCartney, Taylor Swift, Jay-Z... I wanted to let them know writing comes out in all sorts of genres. I began to read off lyrics from several top 40 songs and we discussed what they meant - because of the difference in ages, it was difficult to really get too deep in discussion, but it was just a little taste for what I love to discuss... the meaning of the written word.
Although only a few of the students were familiar with a lot of Eminem's work - they were familiar with Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney (moreso the Beatles on the whole) and Taylor Swift. The passion behind what these songwriters have written (b/c of either feelings in their personal life experiences or their stance on political and world issues) is palpable. The anger, the frustration, the hope, the struggle... I referred back to a song I did pick apart in college - Boys 2 Men's 'Thank You' - they were actually familiar with it, surprisingly enough, and enjoyed talking about the possibilities of who the writers may have been 'thanking.'
My main purpose was to get them thinking about words - reading isn't always fun or easy - for those of us slow readers, it becomes quite a task and loses some pleasure - definitely if it's a book you HAVE to read! But if you think about what a writer (song, story, poem, movie...) might have been trying to express, it can make it a little more fun for a teenage (reluctant) reader. I did tell them that hopefully they have the kind of english teacher who encourages them to find their own meaning in stories or poems - I felt like a little bit of a trader to teachers since my bills are paid by a teacher... was that wrong!? I did get feedback from a mom of one of the boys that he did really enjoy the workshop even though he doesn't like to write... which was a welcome surprise after another boy took out a snack and started to walk around the classroom during our chat.
I am going back next week and the topic will be 'Cultural Pride.' Should be pretty cool and interesting - oooohh, what a great opportunity for my 'words are powerful' speech - too much?

Friendship in the Land of Adults...

Normally when I blog, I try to catch up on what has happened since I last wrote - it's a bit too much (literally and emotionally) to rehash and in which to delve. So, I'll start with a whole new topic which is near and dear to my heart... friendship.

I feel as though in adulthood I have different compartments of friends. I have my neighborhood friends, my bunko friends, my PTA friends, my friends by associate (through my son or husband), pool friends, my high school (and some elementary school) friends - and sometimes they even overlap and mingle. It's always a bit strange when I see someone who is a mutual friend on facebook when I had no idea the two would have any connection. Some of these I consider friends, some I consider great friends, and I can't peg into words the distinction - It's a feeling that I have when I'm with them or talking to them but more importantly how I feel when I'm reflecting on the time we shared. I'm a mom, so obviously I don't have the time to sit and ponder after each interaction I have and think 'are they a great friend??' - I wish I had that kind of time or energy in excess but I guess my point is that this reflection is generally involuntary. I either leave time spent feeling better having spent time with certain people or frustrated that I always feel a little pulled down after a visit. At this point in my life, I have tend to filter through the people that don't make me feel 'better' (laughing, listening, being listened to). There are obviously people in my life that I have no choice but to interact with (might make me cringe beforehand) but that wouldn't fall under this topic of discussion b/c I certainly don't consider them my friends.

At this point in my life, that it was more the people who 'make the cut' - not acquaintances and not the people who have just been in our lives for a long time but those who make us feel needed or cared for in return or make us feel like we aren't alone in our feelings of excitement or our most devastated. I'd like to think it was easier when I was in school to make friends but that was probably the most difficult of all - the friends that I have clung to from school are really friends I've had since elementary school, not really the ones I made in high school (although there are some of those around too :). In school I wasn't fully myself - they got to know a me that I put out there; that I wanted them to think was me. Now I see the difficulty of it - genuine friendship - open wounds, gratitude, pride, warts and all... it's not common and the word is thrown around often.. There has to be a certain vulnerability to building a friendship and even that 'uh-oh' moment when you wonder... 'did I say too much' - which I have a lot!! In my opinion friendship is having those moments but knowing in your heart that your friend is giving you the benefit of the doubt and knows you would never intentionally hurt or offend them.

Here's to all of the people who are good friends out there... may we continue to reveal our warts and celebrate each bump!

The Help

I just finished NYT #1 Bestseller, "the Help" by Kathryn Stockett for a book club - I don't think I would have ever thought twice about it other wise as I don't follow the bestsellers, just recommendations. This book was so thought provoking and as real as fiction gets... I finished it three days ago and am still craving more! The basic premise follows three different narrative points of view. All three are female and the time is early 1960's in Jackson, Mississippi. Two maids (one older by twenty years than the other) and one early twenties plantation owner's daughter straight out of college. I can very much relate to one of the characters because of her struggle to fit in herself while trying to point out the social injustices for others - while ostracizing herself more. Segregation and class separation were a huge main character of this story - the class separation more of an underlying theme. It's amazing to me how frustrated I was getting as I read more and more b/c I don't know how many people will stop and realize just how recent all of that was - how fresh. I wanted to shake one of the characters (Hilly) b/c of how much she needed to drag others down - and it wasn't just the ones who were 'colored' (as she pointed out often) but also the ones who she deemed beneath her, by class, family, or color. It wasn't enough for her to dislike certain people in town (and in the state for that matter), it was her civic duty to spread her opinion as gospel like a wildfire in July! This story takes place in my mother's early teens - that is where it hits home for me... and my mom is pretty young (hasn't even hit her sixties yet). As I said, it was fiction but anyone who reads it sees the factual events intermingled throughout to keep it brilliantly real.

I guess when I think about what makes me unnerved by the whole thing (story and theme) is the fact that although the law isn't technically behind this kind of thought process any longer, there is still so much negativity based on class and color. It used to confuse me and I couldn't relate to these thoughts in any way - mainly b/c we were constantly around people of different races and classes growing up because of my mothers various friendships, coworkers, and volunteer opportunities. Now, although I still can't agree with the opinions, I do see in people the ingrained beliefs with which they were raised - they truly believe these things in their bones (just as much as I disagree). In 'The Help,' there were lots of women and men who were simply a product of their time and grooming. In college I took an African American Literature class my junior year. Within the first two days of class, I sat and stewed over things my professor was saying about race and race relations because I thought she was generalizing and lumping me into a category within which I did not belong. It was only after I decided to sit and truly listen to the discussions without judgement (that and it was too late to get into another class to satisfy my lit requirement!) - I began to love this class, not just tolerate it. To this day, I don't think anything has made me think so much about the freshness, cruelty, and brutality of the happenings in the south in the 20th century. It's not just before the civil rights movement unfortunately. The civil rights movement did wonders for making the actual laws change but a lot of thoughts are still the same. The book led me to look up Jim Crowe laws on my own and see what they were really about - meaning the laws that were devised to keep underground laws going without going through the actual lawmaking process. Some of these laws had people beaten and sometimes killed for using the wrong bathroom or water fountain (really) or have someone arrested or brutalized for talking to someone in public who was not the same color as you - talking! I'm not trying to preach my opinion (although it seems like it) - I'm just hoping to get people thinking a little bit - I consider myself to be open to discussions (not barking your opinion at me only) but this book and the time lines got me putting some things together. At the end of the day, it's not about opinions - it's about civil liberties. What people are 'allowed' to do and say - whether or not you agree with someone, who they are, are married to, or where they live - do they deserve any less civil liberties as any other American? It's these same people who wave their American flags or wear their American flag lapel pin who are sometimes the most specific on what makes an 'American'...

Hmmmm - this started out as my take on a book - I should've known better... at least I held back a lot of what I wanted to say about the topic... baby steps! Go read 'The Help'- the 444 pages seem a little daunting at first, but as a slow reader, I can say how quickly you'll go through it...