Baggage

My mom and 2 sisters... with whom I share a POD filled with baggage!

We've all got baggage. Whether it be from skeletons in the closet or relationships; one way or another we've all got it. I find myself dissecting other people's baggage a lot lately and I can't help but think of my own. Upon my recent "dissection" I've come to realize that you can't move on in a relationship - any relationship - and just have a regular relationship without acknowledging the old baggage. A lot of the scenarios around me have been mother/daughter relationships but obviously it can be father/son (those that explore feelings), husband/wife, sister/sister... whomever. The tricky part to acknowledging old baggage is that sometimes you have to shrug your shoulders and realize that the other person is not going to validate the feelings you're exploring. While you are digging deeper and deeper within yourself to assure the stop of spreading like behaviors, you may realize the other half of said relationship doesn't agree with your assessment of how things have "gone down." This part really stinks - I've witnessed it in others and experienced it myself and I've gotten to the point where I literally shrug my shoulders and smile and understand that it's not going to change and there's nothing I can do about it. There is zero that I can do to change anyone else's behavior. I can only control how I handle their actions or words. It makes me come across as uncaring sometimes, but on the contrary if I let myself react the way my insides want to react, nothing good would come of it. To let my feelings out, I just vent to my husband (who is a great listener) and move on. If the issue is with my husband - that's a different topic altogether! The problem is that pesky baggage... when a smaller problem comes up with the same person, it becomes worse and worse over smaller and smaller things. They can call and you get annoyed when they leave a voicemail in a certain tone of voice or make the slightest gesture and it makes your blood boil.
The interesting thing to me is that there is always a flip side to the baggage. The other person either has their own baggage which has contributed to their actions or just a completely different perception of their actions. Usually getting to the bottom (or even little glimpses) of other's baggage, we come to a great respect for why they do the things they do. It's amazing the way things kind of fall into place when you are thinking of why someone is the way that they are... Aha!
My cousin gave all of the women in my family the movie "The Joy Luck Club" a few years ago for Christmas. This movie basically shows the progression of trickled down baggage from one generation to the next and how it shaped who these women became. To clarify - by baggage I mean things that people carry around with them - be it a certain childhood or a previous relationship (romantic or otherwise) - they carry it with them and it makes us who we are. Either we've overcome some baggage and we're stronger or it's in the back of our minds and it cripples us in ways. There are a couple of analogies (both happen to be travel related) that Chip and I use often when it comes to relationships. #1 - you have to secure your own oxygen mask before you help someone else (IE - you have to be okay with your own issues before you can be a positive entity in a relationship) #2 - if your arms are filled with your own suitcases at baggage claim, don't offer to help someone else get their bag off of the belt (IE - how in the world can you fit anyone else's "baggage" into your life if you are up to your eyebrows with issues of your own?) - know your limitations sometimes emotionally to have emotional room for what's important.
Old baggage isn't anything that people really think about often until they are ready to throw the phone across the room when they don't like how someone ended the conversation. That's not the kind of thing that bothers you unless you have old "stuff." You have to care about the person because people you don't care about don't make you angry - for long anyway. You can get angry because someone cut you off on the road or took your parking space or said something ridiculous in front of you; but lingering anger comes from caring.
My advice - try to resolve old issues before they eat away at you. Don't let the other person's actions effect your progress. If they refuse to acknowledge or validate your feelings - come to acceptance of who they are on your own.... I know it's much easier said than done. But in the end, it's your own blood pressure that is going to pay the price if you don't...