Embracing the Gray...

I was raised in a very black and white household. Predominantly disciplined by the wife (my grandmother) and daughter (my mother) of a career US Army officer. Things didn't have to make sense to me - I just needed to comply. As a child, I thought this was extremely unfair and incomprehensible. I knew I would never make things as concrete and inflexible when I was a mom... hmmm (more on that momentarily).

As an adult (and mother) I realize it was out of necessity that my mother and grandmother kept things so tight and 'black and white.' As a single mother of three, this strict style of rule making and 'you don't have to understand' attitude toward parenting was all she knew and she did the best she could. It was out of necessity that we didn't see the vulnerable and open to negotiation side that she revealed only to her mother/confidant. It was out of necessity that to reveal her human side would be to make herself appear weak and less powerful. I get it now - I understand this line of thinking and I also can sympathize with the fact that parenting is way more difficult than I had ever imagined - if you care enough to try and do it right.

As I've mentioned in previous blogs, my son is my one and only. After some unsuccessful attempts and some 'almosts' - he may remain our one and only. That being said, there are some things that we have to teach him that other children learn organically with siblings. Things like sharing, losing, waiting, humility, compassion, empathy... I'm not under the illusion that everyone who has siblings is an automatic pro at any of the aforementioned lessons. I'm just saying it's a lot easier to remind your child to wait their turn b/c their sister needs you right now or they aren't always going to win b/c their brother is better at chess than him. I absolutely try my hardest to not be black and white but I know there are times where I can't let my son think he can argue and negotiate his way out of trouble. My point in this ramble is that all of the 'mistakes' I thought my mom was making were really trial and error - which most parenting is. As we got older, there was a little more gray (which my sisters argue was only there because I was the youngest and the most spoiled). As my relationship with my mom has grown into a friendship, I've been able to see more and more gray areas in her approach. The strictness and ways of thinking are generally the same, but she acknowledges when she has areas for improvement or an area that is far more gray than originally thought.

I do embrace the gray at this stage in the game. Not only as a mom, but as a wife and friend. I may not agree with differing opinions or like when my world is rattled - but I respect that it is life and it's what enriches relationships. The key to embracing the gray is listening with open ears, an open mind, and an open heart.