Another Year...

Every year when I celebrate my birthday, I can't help but think of my age... the number. I don't feel like it's old or anything, but I think of where my mom was in her life when she was my age or how old I thought my relatives were when they were my age. I think about my childhood/high school friends who had birthdays within a few weeks of me and celebrating our 16th and 18th birthdays together and here we are decades later which is so hard to believe. I reflect on other birthdays and try to put myself back in that moment in time. Putting myself in my childhood downstairs bathroom for my 12th birthday when my sisters made me play spin the bottle with a boy down the street and them timing our kiss in front of the bathroom mirror. During my 10th birthday, which was a snow day, putting my new dollhouse together and seeing the Challenger explode on TV with my sister Michelle. Being set up on a surprise blind date on my 18th birthday which wasn't so fun. Having a surprise 16th birthday party thrown for me by a friend and loving all of the attention because the boy I liked was there. Being toasted by my husband's fraternity brothers in their chapter hall for my 21st birthday. Visiting my grandfather in the V.A. hospital for my 5th birthday and getting ballerina Barbie. Celebrating my 30th birthday with my friends and family having the ladies in my family all chip in to make it memorable. Falling in the snow and stumbling (a drunken mess) for my 28th birthday and my son cracking up at mommy because he thought I was trying to be funny (I was driven there and back BTW) - I believe this was also the birthday that I called my father and thanked him for fertilizing my mother's egg to create me... I'm kind of a happy drunk.

The older I get, some things become different and some remain constant. I am not so concerned about presents and don't really need a birthday cake anymore. I do love the reminder that I am surrounded by some thoughtful and loving people. Over the past year or so, I lost sight of that a little (or was distracted from that) but I'm back focused again.  Whether you are reading this as a stranger or my friend or my family, thanks for being a part of this year's memories.

My mom and I on my 20th Birthday...

Meals on Wheels

Right after the holiday, I wanted to do a little something to step outside of myself. I dragged my son along with me and a teenage neighbor. On a rainy, icy day we drove down to our local Meals on Wheels center. I planned to drive but when we arrived, that's not where they needed help. I'm actually pretty grateful for the turn of events because we were able to instead help pack coolers and deliver to cars as they pulled up. This center was a well oiled machine of volunteers and few paid workers. There were several folks who had obviously been doing this for a while and had it down to a science. Even though newbies can slow down the flow, they were so welcoming to us and patient in explaining the science behind why they do things the way they do. Meals are stacked in the coolers in a particular way based upon the route and recipients. Checklists, numbered paddles, particular coolers, allergy restrictions, small meals, large meals, snacks - it's all so controlled. I look forward to helping again and knowing where the meals come from (even though there is a whole other working process at the food bank before it comes to the center) if I do drive a route, next time this info will be very pertinent.

One of the gentlemen we met - Jim - was such a character. He goes to the MOW center every morning and is a huge Green Bay Packers fan. Quintessentially grandfatherly, he enjoyed talking about the landmarks of Richmond he grew up with and how much it's changed. He also enjoyed talking to the boys about the Packers and how they are now "America's Team" taking the place of the Cowboys (his opinion - not mine :). He was such a sweet guy and you could tell he really enjoyed the company. People have different motivations for volunteering. I volunteer to remind myself that there is a big world that has nothing to do with my 'issues.' My mother volunteers to give back and be an advocate for what she believes in. Jim volunteers (from my observation) because it's his way of giving back to an organization who has given a lot to him and a nice social outlet. Some people may volunteer because of requirements through school or work. Whatever the reason, there are so many organizations that need help and manpower. Some are really involved and I know kind of a pain to get started with but some (like Meals on Wheels) accept people off the street with open arms and gratitude.

LeChayim!

That would be a Hebrew phrase meaning "To Life!" to us gentiles. I threw a lot of folks in my life for a loop this December when I announced I wanted to celebrate Hanukkah as well as Christmas. The two obviously contradict each other but the observer in me wanted to learn more about the eight day celebration and what better way than to jump in with both feet? My original thought was that my household would celebrate but that's not exactly how it panned out. I reached out to a Jewish friend to ask where I should start and she was gracious enough to lend me some teaching tools she uses to help friends of her children understand the holiday. So began my quest...

I decided I would buy a menorah instead of using hers. I wanted to have the option of celebrating again if so desired and also wanted to see what it was like to try and find things for Hanukkah in the stores - which wasn't in abundance FYI.

I began to collect small gifts to give my son for the eight nights of blessings and lighting of the menorah. My mom was a good sport and contributed to my collection of gifts.

I was raised Roman Catholic and come from generations of devout Catholics. I knew nothing of Judaism (still have only scratched the surface) and wanted to be able to answer questions that my son may have as he gets older with some semblance of education. I'm definitely interested in other religions or beliefs than my own. I don't have to agree with someone to understand what they are about - for that matter there are aspects to my own religion that I don't completely agree with but the segments that I do believe overpower those. We were a little late to organized religion as a couple as my husband and I are very spiritual in each other - it's gotten us through some really difficult times. We both wanted to give our son the experience of a church community. Luckily we found one right near us that we really like and felt at home in right away... but I digress.

The first day of Hanukkah came and my son was asleep when I got home with the menorah - great, day one and I'm already breaking the tradition of lighting the menorah at sundown! What I envisioned of us standing around the menorah as a family each night saying blessings and enjoying the spirit is not what happened - and that's okay. It wasn't really fair of me to assume that I was delving into a whole other belief system for research purposes didn't mean that my boys had to also. My son was asleep (as I mentioned) and my husband was in the kitchen beside me wearing his Christmas PJ bottoms and eating a Christmas tree snack cake - he insists that this was not in symbolic protest but I have my doubts. After this, I knew that I was pretty much in it on my own.

Day two - the son was awake as we did it at sundown and I was able to teach him that the candle that goes in the middle and is the only one we light with a lighter is called the shamash. Also the order in which you place and light the candles is in respect to the miracle of the oil and light. He did enjoy that but mainly was interested in his gifts - even though some of them really had no meaning to him... a dreidel, some gelt, ornaments, a winter hat... he got plenty for Christmas so there was no reason to go crazy!

The subsequent days were enjoyable for me. I would light the menorah and sit in the quiet room and either pray for the many people in my life that I was thinking about during the holidays especially. According to what I read, you really shouldn't do any kind of work while the candles are burning and this part was very nice and peaceful. It happened to always be a time that my boys were either upstairs doing something else or outside for one reason or another. The blessings to be read really weren't anything different than I would say myself - that is the one rule I had for myself that if I was going to learn another custom, I wouldn't say anything I didn't believe. Mainly thanking God for bringing me to this point in this season - keeping me strong (obviously paraphrasing).

On the last night (which was after the craziness of our Christmas celebrations were finished), I decided to go to the kosher section in the grocery store and buy some supplies. We had potato latkes, some tea biscuits (which are very low in WW points BTW), and some challah bread. We also lit a candle of remembrance to think about the loved ones we've lost. My boys had none of the festive eating options but were polite about it... again - I didn't push (said in my best Linda Richmond voice and hand gesture).

All in all - a great experience that I'm really glad I did. The observer/writer in me likes to see things from other perspectives and viewpoints and this was a great way to do that.

On the Eighth Day of Hanukkah

the season gave to me...

Eight candles burning,

Seven potato latkes,

Six spinning dreidels,

Five books to read!

Four coins of gelt,

Three praying folks,

Two reluctant boys,

and A wiser mom for my kid!

Safety...

With my sixteen year old niece getting her driver's license, it has me thinking about teenage drivers. I feel like we all have our stories of classmates who either lost their life or were critically injured because of stupid mistakes behind the wheel. Drinking, talking, racing, swerving to be funny - they are operating tons of metal on wheels and they didn't take it seriously. I was there - it was scary and easy to over correct mistakes. Unfortunately now, we have all of those same distractions accompanied with GPS, texting, calling, and cars that go faster. Adults definitely do these same crazy things but most of the time adults at least are able to correct and control their vehicle a little better - not always. The summer before my senior year in high school, I learned of friends who were in a drunk driving accident - one of whom didn't survive and another (the driver) was ostracized thereafter because of the other's death. Subsequently a chain reaction of more death and devastation rolled over my group of friends into our senior year. This many years later it still effects me daily (truly). I look at my own son and one of my nephews who reminds me of this friend and worry.

I feel like I am betraying my 16 year old self by saying this, but I am all for teenagers having to be older to get their driver's license. When I hear people say that they are "good drunk drivers" it is like nails on a chalkboard for me! I hate that most of the time it's not the "good drunk driver" who is injured or killed but innocent folks on the road. Two kids (seniors in high school) were out in the middle of night after homecoming - friends of yet another niece - and they were drunk but didn't think they were. They hit a pole and luckily survived. My niece told me that I wasn't in their shoes so I shouldn't judge them... ordinarily I would agree but in the circumstance of drinking and driving - I just can't see shades of gray. When it comes to something that could harm me or my family... not so much understanding of other perspectives.

There have been studies proving that texting while driving makes us more impaired than being drunk and talking on the cell phone while driving is about the same as being drunk - that is what really scared me. It can literally be a life and death decision.

Feel free to share your comments/opinions...

Most Wonderful Time of the Year... Or it Can Be...

Every year around this time, I agonize over the fact that most things we (my husband and I) give to others is disposable. Not by our own choosing - it's just the things we give are in the middle level between trinkety and Santa worthy. Being a single income household makes it difficult for our intentions to catch up with reality but that shouldn't really be the point. The point (in my humble opinion) is to concentrate on how much we have. The children around us have so much - my son included. It's difficult to
think of piling up the tree so that there is a wow factor to Christmas. I get it - really I do. When I was little - I loved the wow factor but it didn't always have to do with a ton of money being put into it. I remember one year, my mom made us all toolboxes decorated to each of our interests and personalities - it was a great place to keep our prized possessions and a great bulky thing to have under the tree when we came to the den that Christmas morning. My mom was always great about finding creative ways to make our Christmas special with not just the gifts we got, but the day itself. We had scavenger hunts to find our 'big' gift which really stretched out the present opening time. I carry that on with my son and he loves it! It's a great way to not have him tear through each gift and be finished within 5 minutes time.

This ramble is part of a suggestion that I have. A few years ago, I made the suggestion to my sister and sister in law that we have the kids in the respective families choose a charity together. From that charity, we got their wish list of things they needed and as a family (again respectively) we went shopping and had breakfast together so the kids could understand what we were doing and also have the fun of sitting around a restaurant table and enjoying each other. The rub was that it meant the kids were not getting presents from their aunt/uncle that year. This loops me back to the disposable gift part. I love the idea of our $15-$20 gift making a difference. We buy for 14 kids and that is only immediate family and excluding my son... that's a lot in our house and we (I) put a lot of thought into each one.

Although we haven't done this exercise since that Christmas, I've tried to do things that are outside the average charity with my son at this time of year. The soup kitchens and angel trees are all booked up in regard to volunteers (which is a good problem) but there are all sorts of organizations that need things to stay afloat. Childsavers is a always a go to charity for me. I recommend checking out their website www.childsavers.org to learn more. They are a Richmond based organization that helps children who have been through or witnessed a trauma. These traumas can range from abuse, witnessing abuse, a family fire or tragedy - a wide range. Last Christmas, I bought a reindeer piggy bank on clearance after Christmas to display and collect change throughout the year for this year's donation. I'm really curious to see how much we've collected, but I'm not too hopeful. I'd say through August, my son nor husband even knew where it was (even though it was on a prominent shelf in our playroom) - but I digress :).

The whole point of this rambling is that most of us are very fortunate and what we don't have in overflowing funds, we make up for with a roof over our heads and people who love us whether it be our family, children, spouses, friends, etc. Take time this season (Thanksgiving and Christmas) to really be thankful and spread some of that wealth to others. Bake something for the neighbor who lives alone or send a card with a funny message or picture to someone who suffered a loss of a loved one this year or dress up in something festive and colorful for caroling at a nursing home. I really don't mean to get preachy, but I'd love for the focus to be on something other than who's spending the most on what...

Trial and Error

Since I quit my job eight years ago, I have made it my mission to learn more about home improvements. Within my first few months, I painted several rooms, doors, replaced our back screen door, installed crown molding in my spare room, replaced some light fixtures and redecorated my son's room. I loved going through Lowe's and Home Depot and trying to see what I could do around my house and the folks working there were always very helpful in telling me which materials/tools I needed for what. It didn't take me long to realize that it was an expensive hobby and we were not a two income house anymore (after of course buying my drill, power sander and jigsaw).

Surveying my work, I realized that although I love learning how to do new things and being much more self sufficient around the house - my impatience takes over inevitably. Paint gets on the ceiling, cut lines are uneven, the crown molding isn't completely flush where the wall meets the ceiling... but I tried. More recently, after months of getting quotes on replacing our front porch and side porch railings, I decided to do it myself. I researched the products, tools needed, and waited for a sunny day... yesterday was the day. I bought my supplies and took out my saw - set up a work station in the front yard and got started. After 5 hours of hand sawing and jigsawing, I mis-measured the top railing... after some adjustments I attached the balusters and secured the top rail - I was excited to see it was on (one side anyway). The only problem is that the railing is for the height of a small child or a little person! After a pat on the back of encouragement and a polite suggestion that I call a professional - Chip reminded me that I should be proud of even trying (which made me feel good). Even better was our shared amusement of my handy work... oh well - the only true failures come from those who don't try.

Family

I've been having a lot of chats about family lately with - well - different parts of my family :)

Family is a big part of my life and I've come to some big conclusions about mine - I've got some uber-strong people around me. The minute I stopped trying to make everyone in my family who I wanted them to be, I was able to appreciate them for what they do bring to my life. Of course I wish that some personalities meshed a little better with mine but that's what makes family dynamics stronger - different strengths and quirks.

At the beginning of the summer, I was at a family graduation party for my oldest niece. My nephew made a comment about how all of the women in my family were judgmental and didn't like anybody (referring to some of their friends). Atop my soapbox, I explained to him that we are a protective bunch and we are also the same protective ladies who would hoist you up on our shoulders in pride and encouragement - the same ladies who would drop everything when the people we love call to say they need us. The boy who has an answer for everything suddenly didn't...

I was raised in a family where aunts (or tias) play a very big role in your life - second only to mother and before father believe it or not. I love that role. I learned a lot from mine and my hope is that my nieces and nephews can and will learn a lot from me... I definitely may not be the best cook or housekeeper or be able to spoil them with stuff but I will always be there judgment free. Lectures and opinions are a given but no judging. It's great to see how things play out with all of them ... the teenagers definitely keep me young while simultaneously making me feel super old!