Safety...

With my sixteen year old niece getting her driver's license, it has me thinking about teenage drivers. I feel like we all have our stories of classmates who either lost their life or were critically injured because of stupid mistakes behind the wheel. Drinking, talking, racing, swerving to be funny - they are operating tons of metal on wheels and they didn't take it seriously. I was there - it was scary and easy to over correct mistakes. Unfortunately now, we have all of those same distractions accompanied with GPS, texting, calling, and cars that go faster. Adults definitely do these same crazy things but most of the time adults at least are able to correct and control their vehicle a little better - not always. The summer before my senior year in high school, I learned of friends who were in a drunk driving accident - one of whom didn't survive and another (the driver) was ostracized thereafter because of the other's death. Subsequently a chain reaction of more death and devastation rolled over my group of friends into our senior year. This many years later it still effects me daily (truly). I look at my own son and one of my nephews who reminds me of this friend and worry.

I feel like I am betraying my 16 year old self by saying this, but I am all for teenagers having to be older to get their driver's license. When I hear people say that they are "good drunk drivers" it is like nails on a chalkboard for me! I hate that most of the time it's not the "good drunk driver" who is injured or killed but innocent folks on the road. Two kids (seniors in high school) were out in the middle of night after homecoming - friends of yet another niece - and they were drunk but didn't think they were. They hit a pole and luckily survived. My niece told me that I wasn't in their shoes so I shouldn't judge them... ordinarily I would agree but in the circumstance of drinking and driving - I just can't see shades of gray. When it comes to something that could harm me or my family... not so much understanding of other perspectives.

There have been studies proving that texting while driving makes us more impaired than being drunk and talking on the cell phone while driving is about the same as being drunk - that is what really scared me. It can literally be a life and death decision.

Feel free to share your comments/opinions...

Most Wonderful Time of the Year... Or it Can Be...

Every year around this time, I agonize over the fact that most things we (my husband and I) give to others is disposable. Not by our own choosing - it's just the things we give are in the middle level between trinkety and Santa worthy. Being a single income household makes it difficult for our intentions to catch up with reality but that shouldn't really be the point. The point (in my humble opinion) is to concentrate on how much we have. The children around us have so much - my son included. It's difficult to
think of piling up the tree so that there is a wow factor to Christmas. I get it - really I do. When I was little - I loved the wow factor but it didn't always have to do with a ton of money being put into it. I remember one year, my mom made us all toolboxes decorated to each of our interests and personalities - it was a great place to keep our prized possessions and a great bulky thing to have under the tree when we came to the den that Christmas morning. My mom was always great about finding creative ways to make our Christmas special with not just the gifts we got, but the day itself. We had scavenger hunts to find our 'big' gift which really stretched out the present opening time. I carry that on with my son and he loves it! It's a great way to not have him tear through each gift and be finished within 5 minutes time.

This ramble is part of a suggestion that I have. A few years ago, I made the suggestion to my sister and sister in law that we have the kids in the respective families choose a charity together. From that charity, we got their wish list of things they needed and as a family (again respectively) we went shopping and had breakfast together so the kids could understand what we were doing and also have the fun of sitting around a restaurant table and enjoying each other. The rub was that it meant the kids were not getting presents from their aunt/uncle that year. This loops me back to the disposable gift part. I love the idea of our $15-$20 gift making a difference. We buy for 14 kids and that is only immediate family and excluding my son... that's a lot in our house and we (I) put a lot of thought into each one.

Although we haven't done this exercise since that Christmas, I've tried to do things that are outside the average charity with my son at this time of year. The soup kitchens and angel trees are all booked up in regard to volunteers (which is a good problem) but there are all sorts of organizations that need things to stay afloat. Childsavers is a always a go to charity for me. I recommend checking out their website www.childsavers.org to learn more. They are a Richmond based organization that helps children who have been through or witnessed a trauma. These traumas can range from abuse, witnessing abuse, a family fire or tragedy - a wide range. Last Christmas, I bought a reindeer piggy bank on clearance after Christmas to display and collect change throughout the year for this year's donation. I'm really curious to see how much we've collected, but I'm not too hopeful. I'd say through August, my son nor husband even knew where it was (even though it was on a prominent shelf in our playroom) - but I digress :).

The whole point of this rambling is that most of us are very fortunate and what we don't have in overflowing funds, we make up for with a roof over our heads and people who love us whether it be our family, children, spouses, friends, etc. Take time this season (Thanksgiving and Christmas) to really be thankful and spread some of that wealth to others. Bake something for the neighbor who lives alone or send a card with a funny message or picture to someone who suffered a loss of a loved one this year or dress up in something festive and colorful for caroling at a nursing home. I really don't mean to get preachy, but I'd love for the focus to be on something other than who's spending the most on what...

Trial and Error

Since I quit my job eight years ago, I have made it my mission to learn more about home improvements. Within my first few months, I painted several rooms, doors, replaced our back screen door, installed crown molding in my spare room, replaced some light fixtures and redecorated my son's room. I loved going through Lowe's and Home Depot and trying to see what I could do around my house and the folks working there were always very helpful in telling me which materials/tools I needed for what. It didn't take me long to realize that it was an expensive hobby and we were not a two income house anymore (after of course buying my drill, power sander and jigsaw).

Surveying my work, I realized that although I love learning how to do new things and being much more self sufficient around the house - my impatience takes over inevitably. Paint gets on the ceiling, cut lines are uneven, the crown molding isn't completely flush where the wall meets the ceiling... but I tried. More recently, after months of getting quotes on replacing our front porch and side porch railings, I decided to do it myself. I researched the products, tools needed, and waited for a sunny day... yesterday was the day. I bought my supplies and took out my saw - set up a work station in the front yard and got started. After 5 hours of hand sawing and jigsawing, I mis-measured the top railing... after some adjustments I attached the balusters and secured the top rail - I was excited to see it was on (one side anyway). The only problem is that the railing is for the height of a small child or a little person! After a pat on the back of encouragement and a polite suggestion that I call a professional - Chip reminded me that I should be proud of even trying (which made me feel good). Even better was our shared amusement of my handy work... oh well - the only true failures come from those who don't try.

Family

I've been having a lot of chats about family lately with - well - different parts of my family :)

Family is a big part of my life and I've come to some big conclusions about mine - I've got some uber-strong people around me. The minute I stopped trying to make everyone in my family who I wanted them to be, I was able to appreciate them for what they do bring to my life. Of course I wish that some personalities meshed a little better with mine but that's what makes family dynamics stronger - different strengths and quirks.

At the beginning of the summer, I was at a family graduation party for my oldest niece. My nephew made a comment about how all of the women in my family were judgmental and didn't like anybody (referring to some of their friends). Atop my soapbox, I explained to him that we are a protective bunch and we are also the same protective ladies who would hoist you up on our shoulders in pride and encouragement - the same ladies who would drop everything when the people we love call to say they need us. The boy who has an answer for everything suddenly didn't...

I was raised in a family where aunts (or tias) play a very big role in your life - second only to mother and before father believe it or not. I love that role. I learned a lot from mine and my hope is that my nieces and nephews can and will learn a lot from me... I definitely may not be the best cook or housekeeper or be able to spoil them with stuff but I will always be there judgment free. Lectures and opinions are a given but no judging. It's great to see how things play out with all of them ... the teenagers definitely keep me young while simultaneously making me feel super old!

My cup runneth over - spilling actually!

There are some times when I wish I could buy more memory for my brain just like for the computer or extend a day to satisfy all of the needs in front of me... and sometimes, not. The times when I do feel this way, I remind myself that if I did have those extras - I would just fill those also. Just like when you get a new computer or ipod with higher memory, you find ways to fill it before you know it. When you outgrow your house and move to a bigger one, somehow that one becomes too small quickly - can I get an Amen!? My point is, it's not about the time that we have or are given - it's about how we spend it. It's not just the tasks and to-do lists, it's also what we let in our emotional to-do list (or as I like to call it, my "wheel-house of worry"). If I let all of the crud in, soon there won't be any space for the stuff I have no business making time for - ie my homework trips to Starbucks with my son in the afternoons or walks in the mornings with friends.

One of my favorite quotes of all time is from Bill Cosby...

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."

Teamwork

Since my book came out in 2007, school visits have become one of my favorite activities. I love watching the 'audience' respond to my words and the questions they come up with during the Q&A portion... When I still had signings lined up, I was so excited to see students from a visit come to get an autographed copy. I've had students tell me that they love the story and they wish they could play like Nate, and I've also had students remind me that I'm not famous - 'you only have one book!' It's not all pretty; Eh-hem, moving on...

Every spring I do a writing workshop with a group of 4th grade students at a local elementary school in preparation for an annual writing test. This year, one of the fourth grade teachers invited me to come in for a Fall visit and chat with her class about the importance of teamwork - I chose to leave the book out of it. What I did instead was focus on not only the importance of helping your teammates reach their potential, but the necessity of you (as a teammate) pulling your own weight. We also did an exercise close to my heart - we re-enacted a coffee line from a coffee house that I frequent (hint: it rhymes with Marbucks). We wore aprons and had a customer give his order - give it to the cashier who called the order to the person writing it on the cup who called it to the barista who called it to the customer once it was made. The demonstration illustrated the importance of communication and how essential it is for everyone in that line to bring their A-game or it would all fall apart and in theory make the company lose money. It was one of my favorite visits thus far and I hope to develop it further to share it in more classes - my thought is that this could be spread to other classrooms, board rooms, clubs, teams - the sky's the limit... for trademarking purposes, I'll leave 'Marbucks' name out of it.

September 7th...

When my husband and I are looking at old pictures from college or our wedding or sports pics when our son was in preschool, we often look at individual people and discuss how different their lives are from the time of the snapshot. Several wedding guests are no longer married or friends and family have passed away or had several children or been paralyzed or moved to another country - life changes and sometimes we don't know why but if we're lucky we can appreciate it anyway.
10 years ago today I found out I was going to be a mom... life changing to say the least. I remember like it was yesterday being in the doctor's office by myself and being frozen in time. I got in the car and sat stunned praying to my grandmother (and Chip's), literally out loud asking these women to surround me in my mothering quest as it was complete uncharted territory.
It's one thing to babysit or to be an aunt but to be a mom was totally different - 24/7 dependence and were we up to the task? If there is ever a cure of being selfish or self absorbed, it's being a mom; at least for me that was the case.
The anticipation of telling everyone and how was probably the most excited since so many of our family members had kids already but technically the first to find out were Chip's students.... I sent him flowers to his classroom with a card that said, "You're going to be a GREAT dad!" That's how he found out and he called me from his classroom immediately and couldn't hide it from his students, whom he adored.
Four days later everyone's world was shaken but that's a blog for another day...
I feel like every time I write, I'm writing about learning something new through our son but it's so true - they aren't always things I want to learn (like the words to "Goofy Goober" or what the best cleaning methods for pee behind the toilets) but they are lessons none the less. If you had told me 10 years ago that I would be staying home - I wouldn't have seen it... but I'm glad I would have been wrong.

Off the Cliff...

This time of year has been one of angst for me for since I was younger than my son... who is in 4th grade. I'll be the first to totally admit that I am not good with change and the beginning of the school year is nothing but! I know there are lots of people who love the idea of the new school year but I'll love it once it becomes a more old hat. I absolutely love my son's new teacher and the school is amazing - just the stigma that I've held from elementary school all the way through college and has never been on hiatus because even before our son started school, my husband was a teacher - always symbolized change! It's the shift in schedules, the unknown, the fears of sending my baby into the clutches of evil kids who won't necessarily always be kind to him or include him -don't even get me started on approaching the age when girls are lurking around the corner ready to pounce (can I get a witness from any other moms?)... lots of different things working together to create this pressure cooker.

Waiting to find out teachers... the simmering starts

Buy supplies (all one hundred and one of them!)... a little warmer, but still simmering

Help with before school prep at the school... the pressure begins to build

Start Fall sports... the writer's cramp starts from checks and calendar adjustments

Buy school clothes... pressure builds and avoidance from online banking commences

Buy school shoes... (and discover my 'baby's' feet are bigger than mine!)

Open House... the lid starts rumbling

Lunches bought and healthy snacks thought out... heat building

Labor Day/pool closing... cool off temporarily because Tuesday is just around the corner - full blown pressure cooker!

Like I told a friend today - the ball has started rolling, I'm just ready to push it off the cliff already!

He has never shown the same overwhelming feeling (paralyzing at times) that I receive for school and I pray that he never does. He definitely gets uneasy but works himself through it and comes out just fine on the other side. I'm hoping he never 'smells the fear' - so far (miraculously) I've been able mask it... a skill that has also been a part of my life from a very young age.

For all of my fellow parents out there who may have a little trouble adjusting - take comfort in the fact that you are not alone (or a numbing libation - your choice). I'm shocked at my son's resilience every day and how adjusted he becomes so quickly...

I could learn a lot from him.

Quakin...

Okay - My husband and I decided to have a "writing date" at the local Starbucks this afternoon (or as my mom refers to it, my office). He convinced me that I need to get back in the swing of writing so laptop in hand, away we went. I got my tea, started my laptop, pulled up my blog and low and behold - earthquake! I have never felt an earthquake and didn't quite know what I was experiencing... luckily neither did the other sippers around us. It turned out to be a pretty shallow quake about 20 miles from us but it was felt up and down the east coast. I'm going to try and not take it as a sign that as I finally sit down to write - the earth shakes!
I'm tossing around a couple of ideas for articles to submit to a local magazine, working on a short story, and possibly trying my hand at novel writing - I'm hoping to make some headway on these lofty goals in the coming months. This summer my focus has been more on reading and fine tuning my taste in the kinds of 'voices' that I enjoy as a reader. Right now it's Perfection by Julie Metz that's sitting on my nightstand. I just finished Stories I Only Tell My Friends by Rob Lowe and it was the first in a long string of celebrity memoirs that I actually wanted to finish.
Not sure if anyone is even reading this but feel free to give me tips if you'd like to comment...

GPS... Recalculating

I don't own a GPS system but have borrowed one recently - I'm now hooked! There is something overtly comforting to know you will always know where you are headed when you have this system turned on. If you make a wrong turn, it recalculates and tells you so - then tells you how to get back on track. I was thinking about how soothing it would be to have a life GPS - you can take turns on a whim and if it's a wrong turn, it'll recalculate you back on the right path. There are so many uncertainties in life - would be nice, huh?

Moms...

I just had a chat with a friend yesterday (over our homemade coconut cheesecake which she served us for lunch) about another blog and their topics of different pitfalls for different moms. There are so many different types of moms whether it be discipline differences, work differences, socio-economic differences, age differences - the list is endless. I myself have been both a working mom and now a stay at home mom (who every now and then has meetings about random writing jobs). What my pal and I were chatting about was the opinion so many fellow moms have of SAHM (stay at home moms)... we have nothing to say or add to a conversation. The debate of which is better or harder are endless and both have very viable arguments. The only thing I can speak to is that most of the moms that stay at home around me or are in my social group are educated and super interesting women. Some had very high stress and demanding jobs outside of the home pre-staying home. Some have very difficult kids (be they physical or bratty limitations), difficult husbands, difficult teachers... it's not all talk shows and pool parties (although I need to wrap this up to join some ladies at the pool :). We need breaks just like anyone else needs a day off - only our request processor is generally a cranky toddler or an opinionated 9 year old! The truth is that it was a big adjustment when I started to stay home. Admittedly, I still had my 1 year old still go to the babysitter one day a week so I could ease into it one toe at a time. When I did have him at home with me full time a few months later, I always felt guilt about how I should be spending my time. Should I have the house clean everyday when my husband came home or have dinner waiting - Should my son be well behaved in public because I couldn't blame the bad habits on what he was picking up at the sitters - it was all me all the time and it was a lot of pressure. What I've come to realize is that these fears are still there, but all moms (working or not) feel the same pressures and fears... the tough obstacle are those moms who pretend they don't and try to make other moms feel inferior - luckily, I don't surround myself with these kinds of ladies - my ladies are real, genuine women who I am very lucky to have in my life.
I love staying at home with my son and am grateful to have a partner who supports my decision but I am very well aware that it's not for every one's patience level nor is it every woman's desire. All I ask is that you know that I speak for the moms everywhere who like to have conversations about topics that don't have to do with the best deal on notebooks, laundry detergents, or recipes... those tips are appreciated though! We read, we've studied, we struggle and defend...

Very Rarely Boring

So a friend recently said to me that for someone who stays home, I always have something to tell... so the story continues. Some stories don't need to be shared and those I'll keep to myself. But one I would like to share is that of a life ended way too soon. Last week we learned of an old friend who was sick and in the hospital. We immediately tried to think of what we could do to help as they have a one year old daughter and it didn't sound good. Memories of college antics and courtship, weddings and graduations, babies and houses - all of the things that made us an 'us.' This friend, Dan, was right in the middle of it. Dan didn't make it past the middle of the week or his third surgery. We were in shock and disbelief and there was a part of me that was hoping it was a collosal prank... a sick prank, but a prank. We are in our mid-thirties - how can we be losing friends already? I find myself thinking of his wife and daughter mainly. I know his mother and sister are hurting more than I could know and the friends whose lives were touched in similar ways to ours were in the same shock, but it's different. His wife's daily life is changed and shifted and she no longer has the partner she based her future upon. My thoughts and energy are with her as she's handling it all with an admirable strength and grace. I always find myself in positions where I don't quite know what to say when I want to say SO much. I don't know his wife terribly well but I've always liked her - she's very welcoming and warm, which is why I wasn't surprised to see how in love he was. He filled a room - someone said at his service that you always knew he was there... and I couldn't have said it better. Times like this make me hold my son a little tighter and linger in a kiss with my husband a little longer, take a little longer just sitting and enjoying my favorite tea or chatting with friends. Every day we all have a long list of things to do and the list will always backfill - always. Making the time to do those life enjoying moments in times of non-grief are what life is about. Don't sweat the small stuff (cliche but good advice) - if it doesn't matter, I let it go. Too many have died young around me, way too many in fact and I refuse to waste my energy focusing on things over which I have absolutely no control. Now if I can only believe this and live it - I'll be golden!

My mom always gave me the advice that when people show you who they are - believe them. I have never found these words such a mantra...

Turning the Soil

Although extremely overdone as a metaphor, Springtime is the ultimate rebirth. While pulling the endless amounts of weeds in my yard this morning, I came to some realizations. First, I don't take enough time to sit in the breeze and enjoy the moment. Second, those beautiful purple blooms in my backyard are weeds - no matter how "springy" and meadow like they are, they are weeds. Those beautiful purple weeds spread like wildfire also - they start out in a small patch and become beds and coverings before we know it. The most important of my conclusions was that in order to truly rid my yard of these weeds, I couldn't just cover them with fresh mulch. It might look prettier and give the illusion of cleaned up for a short time, but soon those weeds would peak through the new mulch and spread on the surface once again. Getting the yard looking fresh and new took work. I spent several hours this morning pulling the weeds out by the root, spraying weed killer, turning the soil for strays that I missed, and finally laying new mulch. It's why we give our yards a face lift in the spring, power wash our houses and decks, spring clean, plant new flowers - it's a time of fresh slates. Those slates, much like my yard, get over crowded when we just pile the new on top of the old. Sooner of later those roots have to be pulled out in order to have anything new bloom or grow. Now that I've completely beaten this metaphor to death, hopefully you see my point. This morning was a great reflection of why it's important to deal with what we need to deal with in order to move on. My soil is officially turned.

VCU Rams Final 4!

Another TWO bite the dust...

In this town, we don't know how to react to major sports victories. The biggest thing we've seen is when one of our high school teams make it to states or the Richmond Braves of days past had a winning season - but nothing like this. The VCU Rams making it to the final four is more than just a bump in pride for VCU students past and present - it's a victory for Richmond. It's giving some underdogs from a non-sports based town the faith of a country (okay - maybe just a state :). To watch these young men encourage and push each other - a thing of beauty. Also a big noteworthy key to their success is that one player isn't the star of every game - during a couple of the first match ups Rodriguez pulled it out, then Burgess made it rain threes, during the last games Skeen and Rozzell were the MVP's - through it all Smart and his coaching staff have kept them with level heads and humility. The energy on the VCU campus right now is palpable and everyone wants to be a part of it. The capital city is ready... hope Butler is!

Hoopstown, USA

I've written before (about 4 years ago as a matter of fact) about my pride for VCU basketball. I grew up on it on a much smaller scale. It wasn't a popular school - just a school in the city with really no campus - especially to those of us who grew up in Richmond, VA. When I chose to attend VCU, I realized quickly that there was a very pronounced and distinct campus which has only expanded more since my graduation in 1999. When I approached the VCU Sports Center about writing

a children's book commemorating the greatness of VCU and it's basketball team, I did run into some slight hesitation. To me it was a no brainer - the team was on an upswing, enrollment was at an all time high and the Siegel Center was a new center of pride for the Rams. The release of Rodney Ram Teaches Teamwork (2 years later) was such an accomplishment for me on so many levels. My love for Rams basketball has only grown over the past 4 years since the book's release. I thought it was at its peak when VCU beat Duke in the 2007 NCAA tournament - but that was nothing compared to what the whole city of Richmond feels right now. For the first time in VCU history, the Rams have made it to the sweet 16 of the NCAA tourney. Two things have totally become the icing on the cake - first, that U of R is also in the sweet 16 (collosal for Richmonders) and secondly that most sportscasters across the country didn't think we belonged in this tournament. We beat the first team just to get into the big dance - we were on the bubble and a part of the "extra games" just to make it to the starting line with everyone else. Down went USC, down went Georgetown, down went Purdue... Seminoles next? These haven't even been close games - 10-20 point games and I've loved every second of it! I bought my son a "We Are VCU" shirt during the CAA tournament this year and I'm so glad I did - he has just as much pride in the Rams as I do!

Here in Richmond, the Richmond Spiders and the VCU Rams have an annual match-up called the Black and Blue Classic... it's never been a tremendously popular game but I think this tournament is changing that forever. We are hoping for a Black and Blue Classic on a national scale in San Antonio this weekend in the Elite Eight...

Signing off from Hoopstown, USA - AKA Richmond, Virginia!

Serendipity: Fact or Myth... or cute RomCom with John Cusack

I've been thinking a lot lately about how things happen for a reason - I'm convinced now more than ever. Some occurances are a little more private and don't need to be blogged about but for those that can be shared... here it goes. Last week, a midwestern teen died instantly on the basketball court after making the game winning shot against a rival team. One minute he was posing for pictures with teammates and being hoisted in the air by fans - and in the next instant he's collapsed on the court. He suffered cardiac arrest as a result of an enlarged heart. This made me instantly think about my uncle who died several years back (in his late 50's) on the dance floor with my aunt. He had his favorite cocktail in one hand and twirled his wife with the other - seconds later collapsed from cardiac arrest as well.
I don't want it to be lost on me that both of these deaths, while extremely heartbreaking and tragic, happened doing what they both loved doing. I know not everyone is so lucky but if we focus on the clouds, we will most definitely miss the silver lining.
Don't get me wrong, I can absolutely focus on the darkness as much as the next guy - but this is what I'm trying to shift. I suffered a mini-stroke back in the Fall and my cloud is that I am going to need to be aware of my internal workings for the rest of my life but my silver is that it wasn't a full blown stroke and my dependence on others is temporary - I'm also able to hug my son with the use of both arms - not everyone can say the same.
Hopefully this won't drag down those reading this but rather lift you to a different way of looking at situations... as opportunities and not always coincidence.

And the award for worst mom goes to...

Okay - so I have always been that mushy gushy overly cutesy holiday loving gal who everyone wants to hide from... you guessed it - holiday clothing, jewelry, decorations (for most holidays throughout the year)... I'm a sucker for it!! For St. V Day - I've loved the heart shaped sandwiches, balloons, cupcakes, heart shaped rice krispie treats, ziploc bags that are pink and red, fun lover sayings on shirts for my son (kid friendly :)... you get the idea. Well a couple of years ago, I finally accepted the fact that I have a son who would rather poke out his own eye than wear that to school or do anything cutesy for Valentine's Day...my lovey dovey pipe dream would come to an end. It has slowly dwindled to a nice dinner out with both of my boys and that would be that - I've accepted it - I decorate around our house because a nice love-filled surrounding is a pick me up. This year especially would get kind of swept under the rug as it's a school night AND both my son and husband have basketball practice for the majority of the evening.

Here's where the worst mom award comes into play... I went to have lunch with my boy at his school as a Valentine's surprise. Not only was there nary a pink, purple, or red cloth or jewel adorning my person but I also didn't cut any one's sandwich into a heart or have heart shaped snack cakes for dessert! I'm trying to blend in to appease him and he turns to me and says, "Mom, are you going to have my Valentine's treat for me when I get home?" I looked at him, trying to hide my sheer panic and said, "Maybe," He smiled a huge gratified smile and said, "Yea! Maybe means YES!" I kind of smiled on the outside but on the inside was panic stricken - 'Crap - I have nothing for him for Valentine's Day!!' I have since left his school - stopped by a store and bought a couple of things to make the afternoon and evening a little better. My only plan was to go for a nice walk since it's a beautiful day here in good ole Richmond, VA...

My take away lesson in all of this is that I should go with my natural instinct - next year he's getting me coming to school with a homemade jewel encrusted crown... who knows, I do have a whole year to plan after all :)

Embracing the Gray...

I was raised in a very black and white household. Predominantly disciplined by the wife (my grandmother) and daughter (my mother) of a career US Army officer. Things didn't have to make sense to me - I just needed to comply. As a child, I thought this was extremely unfair and incomprehensible. I knew I would never make things as concrete and inflexible when I was a mom... hmmm (more on that momentarily).

As an adult (and mother) I realize it was out of necessity that my mother and grandmother kept things so tight and 'black and white.' As a single mother of three, this strict style of rule making and 'you don't have to understand' attitude toward parenting was all she knew and she did the best she could. It was out of necessity that we didn't see the vulnerable and open to negotiation side that she revealed only to her mother/confidant. It was out of necessity that to reveal her human side would be to make herself appear weak and less powerful. I get it now - I understand this line of thinking and I also can sympathize with the fact that parenting is way more difficult than I had ever imagined - if you care enough to try and do it right.

As I've mentioned in previous blogs, my son is my one and only. After some unsuccessful attempts and some 'almosts' - he may remain our one and only. That being said, there are some things that we have to teach him that other children learn organically with siblings. Things like sharing, losing, waiting, humility, compassion, empathy... I'm not under the illusion that everyone who has siblings is an automatic pro at any of the aforementioned lessons. I'm just saying it's a lot easier to remind your child to wait their turn b/c their sister needs you right now or they aren't always going to win b/c their brother is better at chess than him. I absolutely try my hardest to not be black and white but I know there are times where I can't let my son think he can argue and negotiate his way out of trouble. My point in this ramble is that all of the 'mistakes' I thought my mom was making were really trial and error - which most parenting is. As we got older, there was a little more gray (which my sisters argue was only there because I was the youngest and the most spoiled). As my relationship with my mom has grown into a friendship, I've been able to see more and more gray areas in her approach. The strictness and ways of thinking are generally the same, but she acknowledges when she has areas for improvement or an area that is far more gray than originally thought.

I do embrace the gray at this stage in the game. Not only as a mom, but as a wife and friend. I may not agree with differing opinions or like when my world is rattled - but I respect that it is life and it's what enriches relationships. The key to embracing the gray is listening with open ears, an open mind, and an open heart.

Road Bump

So... for as far back as I can remember, I've gotten light-headed super easily. When I was little, I just thought I was a fainter. When I was an early teen, I thought it was puberty kicking in. When I started cheering, I thought it was because I just wasn't in shape and didn't push myself enough. The out of shape feeling continued into my twenties and then when I was pregnant I assumed it was part of the package. Well, at the end of summer I had a pretty scary episode where I thought I fainted and it was just my son and I... not a happy summer memory. I went on with my everyday life after consulting my PCP and just took it as a light-headed moment. When all of this came to a head was mid-November. Long story short... I had a life changing moment which lead to test after test which lead to answers. I have a PFO (hole in the heart) which isn't at all uncommon - just uncommon for it to still be open in an adult. Me and Bret Michaels... two peas in a PFO pod! The passing out wasn't passing out - it turned out to be mini-strokes. I hope not to have another episode and try not to think about what could happen because I would truly drive myself absolutely insane!
The silver lining in all of this is that it makes me focus on what's important. Nice walks by our creek, listening to people - not just hearing, playing with Parker (the games I can actually understand :). I know it sounds hokey, but it's the truth.... I want to be here and completely present for my son and husband and not get caught up in the things that suck up energy... toxins as I call them. Toxins lurk around every corner - sometimes they have a pretty disguise and sometimes they put their intentions right out there. Either way, I'm focusing on a healthy life - certainly not perfect by any means but atleast healthy. More on the healthy changes soon - hopefully not several months later!