Random Hearts

A favorite... the shadow on my apple stem

My friends and family know that I started to notice hearts everywhere I go a little over a year ago.  At first it was random - hence the name "Random Hearts" or "RH."  Not an exact shape of a heart but something in nature or that isn't supposed to be heart shaped, but there it is.  I know there is now a famous book that highlights similar findings by Drew Barrymore but it's not quite the same.  I don't notice things that people make into hearts or the things that are supposed to be heart shaped - not as much anyway. The greatest are the most random and when I'm least expecting it. Over the last several months, however, it went from every few months to seeing them EVERYWHERE! Probably five to ten times a day.  In the dirt, in cocoa, on a wood grain, in a garden, in the sky, in the sink... you get the picture.  I also love that now I have several close folks who think of me when they see a "RH" and send me pics... especially my little 6 year old niece who sees them everywhere too (LOVE!)...

I know a lot of folks don't believe in signs, but I do.  If you don't, feel free to browse the pics or skip to another post.

The bean in my tortilla soup

I've recently experienced some bumpy roads and I don't think it's coincidence that I see hearts more and more; especially when I need to see them most.  To me, I take it as a sign that my guardian angel, my Nana, wants me to know I'm not alone.  My philosophy is, if I'm wrong - who does it hurt??  An example of some heart sightings was while having an emotional lunch with my mother, through my tears (not invoked by my mom BTW) I saw seven hearts at the table over the course of the meal.  Totally random from a bean in my soup to some cilantro on a dipped chip... I know it sounds crazy but I wasn't looking for them - they just stuck out to me.

My mossy bark

One afternoon I was substitute teaching in a fifth grade class and there were some boys that were kind of a tough bunch to crack. On the playground, I noticed them kind of wandering around in a pack.  I asked if they wanted to go on a treasure hunt - obviously, they loved it!  I posed the challenge to find hearts in nature - they were pretty creative.  My very favorite was this mossy piece of bark that one of the boys found on the track.  The only problem came when they realized they didn't get a prize for 'best heart.'  They forgave me anyway :)
*Challenge - take a deep breathe and look around sometimes, you never know what you may notice out there.. Note that there is no prize offered in this challenge

Virgin in the City

Okay - so maybe I'm channeling my inner Carrie Bradshaw a little too much on the title - maybe I should say "Virgin TO the City."  I recently went to the Big Apple for the first time after years of talking about it and planning and cancelling - my husband and I finally made it happen.  Here are the top 5 things (in no particular order) I learned about myself and NYC during this maiden voyage...


1 ~ Taking the train in and out of the city has to be the easiest way of travel.  Although NYC has never been my final destination of travel, I have flown in and out of the three major airports that share air space (Newark, Laguardia, and JFK) on numerous occasions and they never seem to be easy in and out.  The train has power outlets (sometimes up to 4 per seat) and free Wifi on board.  Not to mention the dining car and several bathrooms per car.  The dining car is limited and pricey, but it's an option and the bathrooms are not huge but bigger than an airplane's with less turbulence :)  Driving into the city yourself seems to be the least appealing in regard to parking, traffic, and time.

Me w/ my new Broadway crush -
Newsies star, Corey Cott 

2 ~ I think New Yorkers get a bit of a bad wrap for being rude.  It wasn't the folks in the stores, restaurants, or in the train stations that annoyed me - it was my fellow tourists!  Having gone to college in a city (certainly a fraction of the size of NYC) and traveled to DC often enough, I come prepared with a firm gate when in a crowd. I don't walk into people, but I also don't just move to the side excusing myself in city foot traffic.  My fellow tourists seemed to not only have no sense of urgency when it came to moving out of the way when they stopped to look at maps or take pictures but took up the whole sidewalk when traveling in packs.  Folks would literally nudge me out of the way if they were trying to take a picture in front of something and I stubbornly did not budge unless someone said 'excuse me' to me.  Just a personal pet peeve of mine (but I digress).  When we saw the Broadway production, "Newsies" (amazing BTDubs), the entire cast came out to sign playbills - they couldn't have been nicer stopping to answer questions and take pictures even though they had to have been exhausted!

3 ~ Do your research on the segmented parts of the city for site seeing to save time and money.  We purposefully picked a hotel that was within walking distance from several of our desired site seeing points. We were within blocks of the train station, the theater district, Times Square, Central Park, Rockefeller Center, St. Patrick's Cathedral, The Empire State Building, 5th Avenue shopping... I'm sure there were lots of other things that we didn't look into - but these were some of our biggies.  It not only saved us money by not having to take a cab, but it also helped us see things we didn't intend to see while traveling on foot.  The only time we had to take a cab was the 9/11 Memorial as it was several miles away.  We knew ahead of time this was the case but it was a must see for us.  Taking the cab that one time made us grateful for our walking plans $$.

Enjoying a cocktail at "The OUT NYC"

4 ~ In the same light - do your research on what's important to you in a hotel.  I know some folks can travel and don't care about the hotel as long as they have a place to sleep - not me.  This was a biggie that I felt the most strongly toward.  I wanted to find a place that was reasonable, close to destinations, clean, and had good reviews from other travelers. There were lots of hotels that were some of my requirements but not all. I found a hotel that was relatively new and still trying to build it's clientele Midtown West (bordering on Hell's Kitchen).  The OUT NYC was where we landed and upon check in realized it was a "straight friendly" resort.  Meaning, it welcomed straight families but was a hub for the gay community in luxury travel.  It made me love it even more, but I understand it wouldn't have been that way for everyone.  Sidenote - everyone on staff was gorgeous!!  Never did we feel out of place or frowned upon; only welcomed in the hotel and bar therein.

9/11 Memorial Fountains - North Pool

5 ~ Try to experience things you couldn't at home.  We made an exception to this with Starbucks tea and lunch the first day.  Fresh off of the train and getting turned around toward our hotel - we had to pick the first restaurant we recognized (which was a chain).  Other than that - when we passed the Shake Shack, or Crumble Bakery, or a pizza stand - we stopped.  I would say our favorite restaurant was a toss up between the most amazing burgers at Joe's Bar (near the 9/11 memorial) and Chez Josephine in the Theater District. Chez Josephine is owned by Jean-Claude Baker who was adopted by Josephine Baker as a young teen in Paris (who incidentally greeted us and walked us to the door upon leaving).  The food and atmosphere were perfect from the memorabilia of Ms. Baker to the piano player to the Broadway veteran seated beside us!

This was just our experience and a three day experience at that, but it may help when planning a trip to the city if you've never been.  I hope to go back with my son next...

Loved this - outside of St. Patrick's Cathedral
which was one of my favorite spots

Bank Accounts

I have come to the conclusion that I will never be wealthy.  I have given this a lot of thought and I think that I am very similar to my mother in this regard (and many others).  When I was younger, I used to think that my mom didn't have extra money because she was a single mom for so long.  Then I got a little older and thought she didn't have a lot of extra money because she wasn't great with money.  Now at this point in my life, I see it a little differently.  My mother doesn't have a lot of extra money because that isn't important to her.  She works very hard and always has - at different stages in her work life her salary has fluctuated but a large bank account never was and never will be priority for her.  Financial security is a great thing but when she has extra money, nothing makes her happier than giving to those around her.  It's not about amazing vacations, new houses or luxury cars for my mother; it's about being THAT person in people's lives that they can lean on in times of need.  I recently purchased one of Maya Angelou's newest books, "Letter to my Daughter," in which she gives her open and honest life advice to a metaphorical daughter symbolic of her reading public. A passage struck me and reminded me deeply of my mother (and inspired this post).  This passage is from the chapter entitled, "Philanthropy:"

"There are those who would like to see themselves as philanthropists.  Philanthropists often are represented by committees and delegations.  They are disconnected from recipients of their generosity.  I am not a member of that gathering.  Rather I like to think of myself as charitable.  The charitable say in effect, 'I seem to have more than I need and you seem to have less than you need.  I would like to share my excess with you.'  Fine, if my excess is tangible, money or goods, fine if not, for I learned that to be charitable with gestures and words can bring enormous joy and repair injured feelings."

This loops me back to the extra cash flow and why my mother and I will never have it by the piles.  We don't let people take advantage of us financially (okay - maybe we've both gotten suckered by generosity toward a few wolves in sheep's clothing) but when we are able to be 'charitable' and really give of ourselves; heart, time, house... we are never happier.  She is shrewd about bartering, the self proclaimed barter queen or queen of the beggars  when someone has something that she can parlay into a helping hand toward a charity or group she is helping.  Her sister, my Tia, exerts a groan every time my mother asks her for something.  Not because she doesn't want to do for her sister but because she knows 100% of the time she is asking for someone else.  "Do you have extra furniture you aren't using" for that young couple she knows who just got married and can't afford furniture.  "Can you knit me a new blanket" for a expectant mother who might not be able to afford a blanket.  My favorite is when anyone is at her house that she feels like doesn't have a lot of groceries, she will take a grocery bag around her fridge, freezer, cabinets, and pantry and load up the bags because "She has been meaning to clean out her food - can you use any of it?  I'd hate to have to throw it out."  My mother spent a big chunk of her life being the recipient of charity that was sometimes given in the same way she is giving it now and sometimes given with big strings and shame attached.  Mom passed on to me and my sisters to never insult someone by making them feel less than you when you giving to them; either do for them or don't - don't hold it over them.  Money is a means to necessity for her, not a sign of importance or character.  Never base your worth on income or material things she would instill - as much as I've fought this line of thinking over the years, I'm now right there with her.  Much like my mom, we've had a fluctuating income in our home but one thing has sustained - materialistically there will always be something bigger and better that we "need."  What my mother and Ms. Angelou have made me understand is that the only thing to keep you consistently fulfilled is focusing on a different bank account through actions as well as behaviors.  

My mother often refers to her "emotional bank account."  This is where the accountant in her is revealed.  She is very aware of those folks in her life (friends and family) that make more withdrawals than deposits.  We often disagree about her expectations of others around her.  Even though I don't always agree - I get it.    My mother does not believe that these two columns should be even - she believes you should give more than you get.  She would be insulted if someone tried to buy her things (believe me - I've tried) - instead she wants those emotional deposits in return - even that she gets uncomfortable with if you have done her too many favors without giving her the opportunity to make you a meal or give you a haircut.  

I can't always make those deposits, but hopefully this passage will give me a little bit of a nest egg in her emotional bank account.  Happy Mother's Day, Mom.  I love you and thanks for teaching me to be the change I'd like to see in the world ~ xoxo

One Size Does NOT Fit All...

Okay - this entry isn't what you may expect.  It's about friendship.  Friends are like shoes (stay with me)... one style doesn't fit with every outfit.  When I go shopping for shoes (dress, athletic, casual), I tend to see what is the most universal.  The tennis shoes have to match everything and the dress shoes have to be black, navy, or brown.  What I've come to realize within the past couple of years is that I have my black casual shoes - it's okay to buy a pair that I may wear just once in a while.  Recently, I've had the same revelation about friendships.


When I was younger (even a few years ago), I didn't think I had a real friendship if a friend didn't fit that 'everything' mold.  If I couldn't tell them everything or if they didn't share the same opinions as me, it must be a bust.  I heard of other people's friendships and couldn't wrap my brain around these lasting friendships that I just didn't seem to have.  I recently saw the light (cue harp music and a spotlight on me from the heavens!) regarding adult friendships.

A good friend isn't someone who is your everything - they shouldn't be and it's unrealistic to expect it.  You can have your core friends (your comfy browns, navys, and black slip ons) but you can also have your friends that are on the perimeter for fun (your pink paisley wedges).  My favorites are the ones that you come across every once in a while and forget that you had them until you see them and realize how great they make you feel (your boots from college you can't seem to part with) - and they'll never be out of your rotation. Most of us even have those friends that we look back and claim temporary insanity (those would be the platform tennis shoes that light up!).  Some of my friends I can talk about elementary-high school, some to discuss books, some college, some old co-workers, some couple friends, some 'mom' friends, some PTA friends, some WW friends - each of them were brought into my life for different reasons (some small reasons and some life changing reasons) but all to teach something more about myself.


I'm very fortunate to have a closet full ... I mean a heart full of friends.  Although some of my friends have come out of the closet - but I digress.  Once I opened myself up to not putting my expectations at the unrealistic level, I realized I am surrounded by some great friends who are pretty amazing in their respective strengths.

A thank you note to my mother-in-law

When someone passes away, I think it's only natural to
wonder what words went unsaid or what feelings went unexpressed.  My mother in law, Lynda, passed away suddenly and I feel fortunate to not have that wonder.  A few summers ago, she and I spent a great deal of time together one on one.  It was an unexpected closeness I felt for this woman I hadn't really gotten to know - I learned so much about her, her views, her family history. It was during this time that she was recovering from a broken ankle and trying to move past some dizzy spells so she was in a very vulnerable position.  During one of our visits in her apartment, I thanked her.  She looked at me with surprise and curiosity.  I told her I appreciated the husband she'd given me.  I told her that I appreciated her teaching her son to treat his wife with respect.  I thanked her for teaching him responsibility and determination.  I told her that I'm grateful that he was raised by a single mom because he learned things organically that you can't make up - he learned to do laundry, he learned to do dishes (without a dishwasher), he worked through high school and college, he learned to cook.  I'm not saying my husband doesn't give me enough material to fill a suggestion box, but I'm focusing on that for which I am thankful!  I'm glad I told her these things when I was thinking them because I could tell the words meant a lot to her.  I hope I'm raising my son to one day be a good husband and father also.  If he decides to be neither, I'll settle for a kind human being.

Rest in peace Lynda, you've certainly earned it.  I send you much love and gratitude.

To Creep or Not to Creep...

My first job was teaching cheering part time at a summer camp.  My sister got me the job within the daycare/preschool she had already worked with for several years prior.  Every summer, she handled the summer camp that was on location offsite.  It was a great job and at sixteen, I got attached very quickly with the majority of the kids in attendance.  I say the majority because some were there full time and some weren't.  I stayed on subsequent summers helping with the camp in cheering and counseling capacities and this led into me working at the main center on the weekends and holidays.  Once I graduated from high school, I worked there part time through college and eventually became the camp coordinator myself as well as teaching a few classrooms of my own.  My point in this ramble down memory lane is that over the course of some pretty formative years of my own (high school, college, engagement, and marrying my hubby) I grew to know hundreds of kids both at a distance and pretty well.  I worked at the center for seven years all told and during this time I saw these kids as more than just a job.  I would venture to say that I'm not alone among other teachers or care providers in getting attached to the kids for which you give care.  You are with these children from early morning until sometimes dinner and beyond.  If you were like me (and my sister), you socialized with these families - you babysat for them for weeks at a time when their parents traveled - you knew how to console them or what they were sensitive about.  It was always a little weird for me when I would run into families that didn't remember my name (obviously not the ones I babysat for) but I knew their child so well and the child knew me.  I would always throw them a bone by re-introducing myself all the while being totally offended that these people entrusted me with their child for 40+ hours a week but couldn't bother to learn my name.
Which leads me to the topic/question at hand... To Creep or Not to Creep??  That is the question.  With modern times and Facebook connections, It's so hard not to friend the kids that I used to spend so much time with.  I love knowing how they are, where they are (or have gone) to college, if they are married or have kids (yes it was that long ago!).  For the most part they don't remember me - some do if I babysat them a lot - and I wouldn't weird them out by "friending" them.  There have been a couple that I have done that with but that's if they are already friends with a niece or nephew or if my sister has gone out on that limb first :).  I'd love to hear from other teachers/child care providers that have run into the same dilemma... how do you just let go of the wonder?

Hi... My name is Stephanie M. and I'm an...

Addict!  I have such an addictive personality - I admit it.  I come by it honestly as it's genetic.  I get addicted to cleaning (yes, cleaning); I'm an addictive eater; I'm an addictive writer; I'm an addictive reader; I even exercise compulsively!  It's a crazy thing to say this is an issue when it's not drugs or alcohol (even though compulsive overeating ain't no joke but I digress).  But it is an issue.  I never really do things in small doses.  I have to fight my inner impulses to overdo and it's a total struggle!  When I help someone with a project - I want to take over and do it myself.  When I help my son with a costume for Halloween - it kills me to tone it down because he has no need to be the best.  When I clean my house - it's so annoying that I can't keep it clean or get it cleaner.  When I volunteer for something, I have to fight back the need to to volunteer for everything!
To those of you who know me, you most likely know my mom.  She is the person that you want on your picket line or committee and especially in your corner.  She does not do anything in moderation and it's why so many people in her life turn to her when they need something done right.  That being said - she's an addict too (sorry Mom :).  When she likes a pair of shoes, she buys it in five colors.  When she likes a bag, she gets every pattern made.  When she helps with an event, she ends up chairing it.  When she likes a recipe, she makes it for everyone she knows.  I'll write about how this has helped both of us another time but for right now - there's a point...

My son loves to read also... heaven help him - he gets addiction from both gene pools

The point is that I have added a new addiction to my long list - Books!  My husband is the culprit.  He is such an avid reader but reads so much faster than I do - he comes home with a stack of books from the library each time he goes.  It used to annoy me that he could just plow through them so quickly but then I decided if I couldn't beat him, join him.  Remember what I said about nothing in moderation - you see where this is going.  The ladies in my book club aren't much help either.  They are amazingly well read ladies who make recommendations all the time and I have to stop the madness!!  I subscribed to Goodreads.com (which I totally recommend) and have been adding to my list of "to read" non-stop.  Between my goodreads app, my local library app (where I can put books on hold instantly), and my kindle - the flames of addiction are growing!  During a book club meeting a few months ago, I did have the strength to say "no" when the hostess offered me a book to take home that she recommended - I admitted to her that I was a book addict and I had to draw the line - the first step is acknowledging there is a problem so I think I'm on the right track.

Another Year...

Every year when I celebrate my birthday, I can't help but think of my age... the number. I don't feel like it's old or anything, but I think of where my mom was in her life when she was my age or how old I thought my relatives were when they were my age. I think about my childhood/high school friends who had birthdays within a few weeks of me and celebrating our 16th and 18th birthdays together and here we are decades later which is so hard to believe. I reflect on other birthdays and try to put myself back in that moment in time. Putting myself in my childhood downstairs bathroom for my 12th birthday when my sisters made me play spin the bottle with a boy down the street and them timing our kiss in front of the bathroom mirror. During my 10th birthday, which was a snow day, putting my new dollhouse together and seeing the Challenger explode on TV with my sister Michelle. Being set up on a surprise blind date on my 18th birthday which wasn't so fun. Having a surprise 16th birthday party thrown for me by a friend and loving all of the attention because the boy I liked was there. Being toasted by my husband's fraternity brothers in their chapter hall for my 21st birthday. Visiting my grandfather in the V.A. hospital for my 5th birthday and getting ballerina Barbie. Celebrating my 30th birthday with my friends and family having the ladies in my family all chip in to make it memorable. Falling in the snow and stumbling (a drunken mess) for my 28th birthday and my son cracking up at mommy because he thought I was trying to be funny (I was driven there and back BTW) - I believe this was also the birthday that I called my father and thanked him for fertilizing my mother's egg to create me... I'm kind of a happy drunk.

The older I get, some things become different and some remain constant. I am not so concerned about presents and don't really need a birthday cake anymore. I do love the reminder that I am surrounded by some thoughtful and loving people. Over the past year or so, I lost sight of that a little (or was distracted from that) but I'm back focused again.  Whether you are reading this as a stranger or my friend or my family, thanks for being a part of this year's memories.

My mom and I on my 20th Birthday...

Meals on Wheels

Right after the holiday, I wanted to do a little something to step outside of myself. I dragged my son along with me and a teenage neighbor. On a rainy, icy day we drove down to our local Meals on Wheels center. I planned to drive but when we arrived, that's not where they needed help. I'm actually pretty grateful for the turn of events because we were able to instead help pack coolers and deliver to cars as they pulled up. This center was a well oiled machine of volunteers and few paid workers. There were several folks who had obviously been doing this for a while and had it down to a science. Even though newbies can slow down the flow, they were so welcoming to us and patient in explaining the science behind why they do things the way they do. Meals are stacked in the coolers in a particular way based upon the route and recipients. Checklists, numbered paddles, particular coolers, allergy restrictions, small meals, large meals, snacks - it's all so controlled. I look forward to helping again and knowing where the meals come from (even though there is a whole other working process at the food bank before it comes to the center) if I do drive a route, next time this info will be very pertinent.

One of the gentlemen we met - Jim - was such a character. He goes to the MOW center every morning and is a huge Green Bay Packers fan. Quintessentially grandfatherly, he enjoyed talking about the landmarks of Richmond he grew up with and how much it's changed. He also enjoyed talking to the boys about the Packers and how they are now "America's Team" taking the place of the Cowboys (his opinion - not mine :). He was such a sweet guy and you could tell he really enjoyed the company. People have different motivations for volunteering. I volunteer to remind myself that there is a big world that has nothing to do with my 'issues.' My mother volunteers to give back and be an advocate for what she believes in. Jim volunteers (from my observation) because it's his way of giving back to an organization who has given a lot to him and a nice social outlet. Some people may volunteer because of requirements through school or work. Whatever the reason, there are so many organizations that need help and manpower. Some are really involved and I know kind of a pain to get started with but some (like Meals on Wheels) accept people off the street with open arms and gratitude.

LeChayim!

That would be a Hebrew phrase meaning "To Life!" to us gentiles. I threw a lot of folks in my life for a loop this December when I announced I wanted to celebrate Hanukkah as well as Christmas. The two obviously contradict each other but the observer in me wanted to learn more about the eight day celebration and what better way than to jump in with both feet? My original thought was that my household would celebrate but that's not exactly how it panned out. I reached out to a Jewish friend to ask where I should start and she was gracious enough to lend me some teaching tools she uses to help friends of her children understand the holiday. So began my quest...

I decided I would buy a menorah instead of using hers. I wanted to have the option of celebrating again if so desired and also wanted to see what it was like to try and find things for Hanukkah in the stores - which wasn't in abundance FYI.

I began to collect small gifts to give my son for the eight nights of blessings and lighting of the menorah. My mom was a good sport and contributed to my collection of gifts.

I was raised Roman Catholic and come from generations of devout Catholics. I knew nothing of Judaism (still have only scratched the surface) and wanted to be able to answer questions that my son may have as he gets older with some semblance of education. I'm definitely interested in other religions or beliefs than my own. I don't have to agree with someone to understand what they are about - for that matter there are aspects to my own religion that I don't completely agree with but the segments that I do believe overpower those. We were a little late to organized religion as a couple as my husband and I are very spiritual in each other - it's gotten us through some really difficult times. We both wanted to give our son the experience of a church community. Luckily we found one right near us that we really like and felt at home in right away... but I digress.

The first day of Hanukkah came and my son was asleep when I got home with the menorah - great, day one and I'm already breaking the tradition of lighting the menorah at sundown! What I envisioned of us standing around the menorah as a family each night saying blessings and enjoying the spirit is not what happened - and that's okay. It wasn't really fair of me to assume that I was delving into a whole other belief system for research purposes didn't mean that my boys had to also. My son was asleep (as I mentioned) and my husband was in the kitchen beside me wearing his Christmas PJ bottoms and eating a Christmas tree snack cake - he insists that this was not in symbolic protest but I have my doubts. After this, I knew that I was pretty much in it on my own.

Day two - the son was awake as we did it at sundown and I was able to teach him that the candle that goes in the middle and is the only one we light with a lighter is called the shamash. Also the order in which you place and light the candles is in respect to the miracle of the oil and light. He did enjoy that but mainly was interested in his gifts - even though some of them really had no meaning to him... a dreidel, some gelt, ornaments, a winter hat... he got plenty for Christmas so there was no reason to go crazy!

The subsequent days were enjoyable for me. I would light the menorah and sit in the quiet room and either pray for the many people in my life that I was thinking about during the holidays especially. According to what I read, you really shouldn't do any kind of work while the candles are burning and this part was very nice and peaceful. It happened to always be a time that my boys were either upstairs doing something else or outside for one reason or another. The blessings to be read really weren't anything different than I would say myself - that is the one rule I had for myself that if I was going to learn another custom, I wouldn't say anything I didn't believe. Mainly thanking God for bringing me to this point in this season - keeping me strong (obviously paraphrasing).

On the last night (which was after the craziness of our Christmas celebrations were finished), I decided to go to the kosher section in the grocery store and buy some supplies. We had potato latkes, some tea biscuits (which are very low in WW points BTW), and some challah bread. We also lit a candle of remembrance to think about the loved ones we've lost. My boys had none of the festive eating options but were polite about it... again - I didn't push (said in my best Linda Richmond voice and hand gesture).

All in all - a great experience that I'm really glad I did. The observer/writer in me likes to see things from other perspectives and viewpoints and this was a great way to do that.

On the Eighth Day of Hanukkah

the season gave to me...

Eight candles burning,

Seven potato latkes,

Six spinning dreidels,

Five books to read!

Four coins of gelt,

Three praying folks,

Two reluctant boys,

and A wiser mom for my kid!

Safety...

With my sixteen year old niece getting her driver's license, it has me thinking about teenage drivers. I feel like we all have our stories of classmates who either lost their life or were critically injured because of stupid mistakes behind the wheel. Drinking, talking, racing, swerving to be funny - they are operating tons of metal on wheels and they didn't take it seriously. I was there - it was scary and easy to over correct mistakes. Unfortunately now, we have all of those same distractions accompanied with GPS, texting, calling, and cars that go faster. Adults definitely do these same crazy things but most of the time adults at least are able to correct and control their vehicle a little better - not always. The summer before my senior year in high school, I learned of friends who were in a drunk driving accident - one of whom didn't survive and another (the driver) was ostracized thereafter because of the other's death. Subsequently a chain reaction of more death and devastation rolled over my group of friends into our senior year. This many years later it still effects me daily (truly). I look at my own son and one of my nephews who reminds me of this friend and worry.

I feel like I am betraying my 16 year old self by saying this, but I am all for teenagers having to be older to get their driver's license. When I hear people say that they are "good drunk drivers" it is like nails on a chalkboard for me! I hate that most of the time it's not the "good drunk driver" who is injured or killed but innocent folks on the road. Two kids (seniors in high school) were out in the middle of night after homecoming - friends of yet another niece - and they were drunk but didn't think they were. They hit a pole and luckily survived. My niece told me that I wasn't in their shoes so I shouldn't judge them... ordinarily I would agree but in the circumstance of drinking and driving - I just can't see shades of gray. When it comes to something that could harm me or my family... not so much understanding of other perspectives.

There have been studies proving that texting while driving makes us more impaired than being drunk and talking on the cell phone while driving is about the same as being drunk - that is what really scared me. It can literally be a life and death decision.

Feel free to share your comments/opinions...

Most Wonderful Time of the Year... Or it Can Be...

Every year around this time, I agonize over the fact that most things we (my husband and I) give to others is disposable. Not by our own choosing - it's just the things we give are in the middle level between trinkety and Santa worthy. Being a single income household makes it difficult for our intentions to catch up with reality but that shouldn't really be the point. The point (in my humble opinion) is to concentrate on how much we have. The children around us have so much - my son included. It's difficult to
think of piling up the tree so that there is a wow factor to Christmas. I get it - really I do. When I was little - I loved the wow factor but it didn't always have to do with a ton of money being put into it. I remember one year, my mom made us all toolboxes decorated to each of our interests and personalities - it was a great place to keep our prized possessions and a great bulky thing to have under the tree when we came to the den that Christmas morning. My mom was always great about finding creative ways to make our Christmas special with not just the gifts we got, but the day itself. We had scavenger hunts to find our 'big' gift which really stretched out the present opening time. I carry that on with my son and he loves it! It's a great way to not have him tear through each gift and be finished within 5 minutes time.

This ramble is part of a suggestion that I have. A few years ago, I made the suggestion to my sister and sister in law that we have the kids in the respective families choose a charity together. From that charity, we got their wish list of things they needed and as a family (again respectively) we went shopping and had breakfast together so the kids could understand what we were doing and also have the fun of sitting around a restaurant table and enjoying each other. The rub was that it meant the kids were not getting presents from their aunt/uncle that year. This loops me back to the disposable gift part. I love the idea of our $15-$20 gift making a difference. We buy for 14 kids and that is only immediate family and excluding my son... that's a lot in our house and we (I) put a lot of thought into each one.

Although we haven't done this exercise since that Christmas, I've tried to do things that are outside the average charity with my son at this time of year. The soup kitchens and angel trees are all booked up in regard to volunteers (which is a good problem) but there are all sorts of organizations that need things to stay afloat. Childsavers is a always a go to charity for me. I recommend checking out their website www.childsavers.org to learn more. They are a Richmond based organization that helps children who have been through or witnessed a trauma. These traumas can range from abuse, witnessing abuse, a family fire or tragedy - a wide range. Last Christmas, I bought a reindeer piggy bank on clearance after Christmas to display and collect change throughout the year for this year's donation. I'm really curious to see how much we've collected, but I'm not too hopeful. I'd say through August, my son nor husband even knew where it was (even though it was on a prominent shelf in our playroom) - but I digress :).

The whole point of this rambling is that most of us are very fortunate and what we don't have in overflowing funds, we make up for with a roof over our heads and people who love us whether it be our family, children, spouses, friends, etc. Take time this season (Thanksgiving and Christmas) to really be thankful and spread some of that wealth to others. Bake something for the neighbor who lives alone or send a card with a funny message or picture to someone who suffered a loss of a loved one this year or dress up in something festive and colorful for caroling at a nursing home. I really don't mean to get preachy, but I'd love for the focus to be on something other than who's spending the most on what...

Trial and Error

Since I quit my job eight years ago, I have made it my mission to learn more about home improvements. Within my first few months, I painted several rooms, doors, replaced our back screen door, installed crown molding in my spare room, replaced some light fixtures and redecorated my son's room. I loved going through Lowe's and Home Depot and trying to see what I could do around my house and the folks working there were always very helpful in telling me which materials/tools I needed for what. It didn't take me long to realize that it was an expensive hobby and we were not a two income house anymore (after of course buying my drill, power sander and jigsaw).

Surveying my work, I realized that although I love learning how to do new things and being much more self sufficient around the house - my impatience takes over inevitably. Paint gets on the ceiling, cut lines are uneven, the crown molding isn't completely flush where the wall meets the ceiling... but I tried. More recently, after months of getting quotes on replacing our front porch and side porch railings, I decided to do it myself. I researched the products, tools needed, and waited for a sunny day... yesterday was the day. I bought my supplies and took out my saw - set up a work station in the front yard and got started. After 5 hours of hand sawing and jigsawing, I mis-measured the top railing... after some adjustments I attached the balusters and secured the top rail - I was excited to see it was on (one side anyway). The only problem is that the railing is for the height of a small child or a little person! After a pat on the back of encouragement and a polite suggestion that I call a professional - Chip reminded me that I should be proud of even trying (which made me feel good). Even better was our shared amusement of my handy work... oh well - the only true failures come from those who don't try.

Family

I've been having a lot of chats about family lately with - well - different parts of my family :)

Family is a big part of my life and I've come to some big conclusions about mine - I've got some uber-strong people around me. The minute I stopped trying to make everyone in my family who I wanted them to be, I was able to appreciate them for what they do bring to my life. Of course I wish that some personalities meshed a little better with mine but that's what makes family dynamics stronger - different strengths and quirks.

At the beginning of the summer, I was at a family graduation party for my oldest niece. My nephew made a comment about how all of the women in my family were judgmental and didn't like anybody (referring to some of their friends). Atop my soapbox, I explained to him that we are a protective bunch and we are also the same protective ladies who would hoist you up on our shoulders in pride and encouragement - the same ladies who would drop everything when the people we love call to say they need us. The boy who has an answer for everything suddenly didn't...

I was raised in a family where aunts (or tias) play a very big role in your life - second only to mother and before father believe it or not. I love that role. I learned a lot from mine and my hope is that my nieces and nephews can and will learn a lot from me... I definitely may not be the best cook or housekeeper or be able to spoil them with stuff but I will always be there judgment free. Lectures and opinions are a given but no judging. It's great to see how things play out with all of them ... the teenagers definitely keep me young while simultaneously making me feel super old!

My cup runneth over - spilling actually!

There are some times when I wish I could buy more memory for my brain just like for the computer or extend a day to satisfy all of the needs in front of me... and sometimes, not. The times when I do feel this way, I remind myself that if I did have those extras - I would just fill those also. Just like when you get a new computer or ipod with higher memory, you find ways to fill it before you know it. When you outgrow your house and move to a bigger one, somehow that one becomes too small quickly - can I get an Amen!? My point is, it's not about the time that we have or are given - it's about how we spend it. It's not just the tasks and to-do lists, it's also what we let in our emotional to-do list (or as I like to call it, my "wheel-house of worry"). If I let all of the crud in, soon there won't be any space for the stuff I have no business making time for - ie my homework trips to Starbucks with my son in the afternoons or walks in the mornings with friends.

One of my favorite quotes of all time is from Bill Cosby...

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."

Teamwork

Since my book came out in 2007, school visits have become one of my favorite activities. I love watching the 'audience' respond to my words and the questions they come up with during the Q&A portion... When I still had signings lined up, I was so excited to see students from a visit come to get an autographed copy. I've had students tell me that they love the story and they wish they could play like Nate, and I've also had students remind me that I'm not famous - 'you only have one book!' It's not all pretty; Eh-hem, moving on...

Every spring I do a writing workshop with a group of 4th grade students at a local elementary school in preparation for an annual writing test. This year, one of the fourth grade teachers invited me to come in for a Fall visit and chat with her class about the importance of teamwork - I chose to leave the book out of it. What I did instead was focus on not only the importance of helping your teammates reach their potential, but the necessity of you (as a teammate) pulling your own weight. We also did an exercise close to my heart - we re-enacted a coffee line from a coffee house that I frequent (hint: it rhymes with Marbucks). We wore aprons and had a customer give his order - give it to the cashier who called the order to the person writing it on the cup who called it to the barista who called it to the customer once it was made. The demonstration illustrated the importance of communication and how essential it is for everyone in that line to bring their A-game or it would all fall apart and in theory make the company lose money. It was one of my favorite visits thus far and I hope to develop it further to share it in more classes - my thought is that this could be spread to other classrooms, board rooms, clubs, teams - the sky's the limit... for trademarking purposes, I'll leave 'Marbucks' name out of it.

September 7th...

When my husband and I are looking at old pictures from college or our wedding or sports pics when our son was in preschool, we often look at individual people and discuss how different their lives are from the time of the snapshot. Several wedding guests are no longer married or friends and family have passed away or had several children or been paralyzed or moved to another country - life changes and sometimes we don't know why but if we're lucky we can appreciate it anyway.
10 years ago today I found out I was going to be a mom... life changing to say the least. I remember like it was yesterday being in the doctor's office by myself and being frozen in time. I got in the car and sat stunned praying to my grandmother (and Chip's), literally out loud asking these women to surround me in my mothering quest as it was complete uncharted territory.
It's one thing to babysit or to be an aunt but to be a mom was totally different - 24/7 dependence and were we up to the task? If there is ever a cure of being selfish or self absorbed, it's being a mom; at least for me that was the case.
The anticipation of telling everyone and how was probably the most excited since so many of our family members had kids already but technically the first to find out were Chip's students.... I sent him flowers to his classroom with a card that said, "You're going to be a GREAT dad!" That's how he found out and he called me from his classroom immediately and couldn't hide it from his students, whom he adored.
Four days later everyone's world was shaken but that's a blog for another day...
I feel like every time I write, I'm writing about learning something new through our son but it's so true - they aren't always things I want to learn (like the words to "Goofy Goober" or what the best cleaning methods for pee behind the toilets) but they are lessons none the less. If you had told me 10 years ago that I would be staying home - I wouldn't have seen it... but I'm glad I would have been wrong.

Off the Cliff...

This time of year has been one of angst for me for since I was younger than my son... who is in 4th grade. I'll be the first to totally admit that I am not good with change and the beginning of the school year is nothing but! I know there are lots of people who love the idea of the new school year but I'll love it once it becomes a more old hat. I absolutely love my son's new teacher and the school is amazing - just the stigma that I've held from elementary school all the way through college and has never been on hiatus because even before our son started school, my husband was a teacher - always symbolized change! It's the shift in schedules, the unknown, the fears of sending my baby into the clutches of evil kids who won't necessarily always be kind to him or include him -don't even get me started on approaching the age when girls are lurking around the corner ready to pounce (can I get a witness from any other moms?)... lots of different things working together to create this pressure cooker.

Waiting to find out teachers... the simmering starts

Buy supplies (all one hundred and one of them!)... a little warmer, but still simmering

Help with before school prep at the school... the pressure begins to build

Start Fall sports... the writer's cramp starts from checks and calendar adjustments

Buy school clothes... pressure builds and avoidance from online banking commences

Buy school shoes... (and discover my 'baby's' feet are bigger than mine!)

Open House... the lid starts rumbling

Lunches bought and healthy snacks thought out... heat building

Labor Day/pool closing... cool off temporarily because Tuesday is just around the corner - full blown pressure cooker!

Like I told a friend today - the ball has started rolling, I'm just ready to push it off the cliff already!

He has never shown the same overwhelming feeling (paralyzing at times) that I receive for school and I pray that he never does. He definitely gets uneasy but works himself through it and comes out just fine on the other side. I'm hoping he never 'smells the fear' - so far (miraculously) I've been able mask it... a skill that has also been a part of my life from a very young age.

For all of my fellow parents out there who may have a little trouble adjusting - take comfort in the fact that you are not alone (or a numbing libation - your choice). I'm shocked at my son's resilience every day and how adjusted he becomes so quickly...

I could learn a lot from him.

Quakin...

Okay - My husband and I decided to have a "writing date" at the local Starbucks this afternoon (or as my mom refers to it, my office). He convinced me that I need to get back in the swing of writing so laptop in hand, away we went. I got my tea, started my laptop, pulled up my blog and low and behold - earthquake! I have never felt an earthquake and didn't quite know what I was experiencing... luckily neither did the other sippers around us. It turned out to be a pretty shallow quake about 20 miles from us but it was felt up and down the east coast. I'm going to try and not take it as a sign that as I finally sit down to write - the earth shakes!
I'm tossing around a couple of ideas for articles to submit to a local magazine, working on a short story, and possibly trying my hand at novel writing - I'm hoping to make some headway on these lofty goals in the coming months. This summer my focus has been more on reading and fine tuning my taste in the kinds of 'voices' that I enjoy as a reader. Right now it's Perfection by Julie Metz that's sitting on my nightstand. I just finished Stories I Only Tell My Friends by Rob Lowe and it was the first in a long string of celebrity memoirs that I actually wanted to finish.
Not sure if anyone is even reading this but feel free to give me tips if you'd like to comment...

GPS... Recalculating

I don't own a GPS system but have borrowed one recently - I'm now hooked! There is something overtly comforting to know you will always know where you are headed when you have this system turned on. If you make a wrong turn, it recalculates and tells you so - then tells you how to get back on track. I was thinking about how soothing it would be to have a life GPS - you can take turns on a whim and if it's a wrong turn, it'll recalculate you back on the right path. There are so many uncertainties in life - would be nice, huh?